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Friday, March 31, 2006

Quickies




"FREEEZE-UH, LAPD!!!" I just keep watching this over and over. Oh, how I wish Mad TV was funny like this all the time.


A few quick things:

1.) I need to get my shit in order, all quick-like. I'm hoping that this new added pressure is going to give me the much needed kick in the ass that I need. However, I fear that it's just gonna give me a much un-needed stess-induced ulcer...which is what I think this pain in my side might be. I don't know...an ulcer or a tumor...I should get it poked at by a doctor or something, too bad I have this need to make money.

2.) I've got 26 days to quit smoking. That's right boys and girls, April starts tomorrow and the big 2-5 (aka my cut off date) is on the 27th. You wanna know what to get me? Nicotine patches, with cash donations as a close second, followed by a new job. Or just do that thing you normally do. I'm gonna start this quitting thing early, so as to not become a heinous nic-fit bitch. Still, the stress of quitting + the stress of uprooting again = someone's gonna get stabbed in the eye this month.

3.) Don't Shoot the Puppy

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Based on a true story




How can you sleep, if you're high on crack? That's a Chinese riddle for you.
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I don't want to get into too detailed of a description of the nonesense I deal with at work (even though some of it is quite funny), but I got a phone call the other day that was highly entertaining to me...yes, even more so than when I talked to the police about a rental car full of 8 "undocumented" immigrants...so I feel obligated to share the story.

But rather than write out the entire conversation, I feel like the story was worthy of a more artistic representation...



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Moral of the story, chil'ren: if you trade your rental car for drugs...you've either just bought a car that you'll never get to use...or the police will have to be involved. Or both. There's no way around it, really.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

This one goes out to all my Oklahomies...




Cuz ternader season is a-comin' and you summabitches need sumthin ta do, when them tv folk cut in on yer stories
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You'll probably only get this if you grew up in the OKC Metro area, but you may also appreciate it if you've spent a lot of quality time living in Tornado Alley...or also, apparently now, in Hamburg (amateurs...)

Gary England is, quite possibly, Oklahoma's premier weather man (whoops, meteorologist). I mean, he even had a bit part in the movie Twister, if I'm not mistaken. Anyway, he's been around since I was just a youngin'. In fact, I got to meet him once when he came to my elementary school. Wow, was that an exiting day, because sitting for a few hours on the cold, hard floor of the cafetorium (that's a cafeteria-slash-auditorium, ya herrd?) watching storm chaser footage, beat long division any day.

Tornado season -- which is basically starts in Spring and ends in, like, August -- can be quite a bitch, with the trying to remember the difference between tornado watches and tornado warnings, the Emergency Broadcast System screeching every 15 minutes, and the interruption of primetime evening programming.

However, with the Gary England Drinking Game you can put the "drunken fun" back into "Tornado Season".

Little known fact: it was originally called "Drunken Tornado Season Fun", but later shortened for PR purposes


[Courtesy of Robbyn, via email from Randall]

Pregame
1. Everyone selects a storm chaser other than Val Caster. Every time Gary talks to your storm chaser, you take one drink. Take two drinks every time we see footage from your storm chaser. Take four drinks if your storm chaser says "tornado on the ground."

2. Everyone selects a county other than Pottawatomie County. Every time Gary mentions your county, you take one drink. Take two drinks every time we see footage from your county. Take four drinks if a tornado touches down in your county.

One drink
1. Take one drink every time Gary says the following:
"Hook echo" | "Updraft" | "Metro" | "Doppler radar" | "Wall cloud" | "Ranger 9" | "Underground" | "Mobile home"

2. When Gary gives a list of counties, take one drink for every county in the list.

3. Take one drink every time Gary interrupts a program. Take one drink if Gary says "You're not missing any of [program name]." Take one drink when Gary says "We'll keep you advised."

Two drinks
1. Take two drinks every time Gary says the following:
"Baseball-sized hail" | "Waterloo Road" | "Pottawatomie County" | "Deer Creek High School"

2. Take two drinks every time Gary mentions the following towns:
Altus | Burns Flat | Dill City | Gotebo | Hydro | Lookeba | Meeker | Mulhall | Oktaha | Olustee | Shattuck | Slaughterville | Tryon | Vici | Waukomis | Wayne (or Payne) | Weleetka | Wetumkah

3. Take two drinks every time Gary talks to Val Caster.

Three drinks
1. Take three drinks if we see footage from Val Caster.


2. Take three drinks if we see footage from Pottawatomie County.

3. Take three drinks if Gary mentions the following:
"Immediate tornado precautions" | "National Weather Service" | "Mesocyclone" | "Portable Radio" | "Take shelter" | "Tornado warning in effect until …"

Four drinks
1. Take four drinks if Ranger 9 must land to refuel.

2. Take four drinks if Gary issues his own tornado warning, not recognized by the NWS or says the following:
"Will someone please answer that phone?" | "Do you see power flashes?"

3. Take four drinks if a shirt-less tornado victim is interviewed.

Finish your drink
1. Finish your drink if someone uses the word tornado as a verb or if Gary mentions the nearest cross streets to you.

2. If Gary says "We've lost Val," pour a little out for your homies and finish your drink.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Filter Post #25 - "You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you"

I think I've been pretty good about posting regularly this week. So, I don't feel so bad that Toby called me out again.

Directions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

You might notice that when I couldn't make the song title fit, I used a bit of the song text. It was kinda fun, try it out if you want.


How does the world see me?
Strong Arm Steady - Get Your Bars Up
"So you suck. No friends, no fans, no hoes to fuck. You need to listen to us and just get your bars up..."

Hm, I don't like this game so far...


Will I have a happy life?
Slim Thug - So Incredible (ft. Jazze Pha)
"Hell, I can't complain it's a beautiful feelin, from bein broke on your ass, to having cash to the ceiling."


What do my friends really think of me?
Deichkind - Geheimnis
"Wie macht ihr das? Geiheimnis. So ist das, so bleibt es..."


Do people secretly lust after me?
Curse - Wir erwarten zu viel
"Wir lern uns nie wieder kennen, und wir vergessen bisher, ok?"

So yes, but it clearly won't work out

How can I make myself happy?
Lady Sovereign - Random (A. Brucker & Sinden Vocal Mix)
"Everybody get random, just do somethin' random"

Actually the best line in the song is:
"Ding dong, special delivery...biggest midget in the game, can't get ridda me..."

but it doesn't really have that much to do with me making me happy. This song is muthafuckin tight though...if I could choose, it'd be my Signature Dancing Song


What should I do with my life?
Blackalicious (ft Kween & Lyrics Born) - Give It to You
"If you want it, hey you got it, you don't have to wait"


Will I ever have children?
Beginner - Fäule
"Wer Hip-hop macht, aber nur Hip-hop hört betreibt Inzest..."

Ähmmm, nein danke...

What is some good advice for me?
Tenacious D - City Hall
"Lots of times when me and KG are watching all the fuckin shit that goes down at city hall, we get the feeling we should fuck shit up, yeah we should fuckin start a riot!"


How will I be remembered?
Dane Cook - Struck by a vehicle
"I love getting struck by vehicles and sometimes I'll kick my own shoes off in a fit of joy."

This isn't actually a song, it's from a comedy album...a really funny one at that. But maybe it will make people think about how much I DON'T want to get struck by a vehicle.

What is my signature dancing song?
Flii Stylz & Tenashus - Break It On Down (Battlezone)

This is funny, because I downloaded this song like months ago at the same time when I downloaded the Lady Sovereign song and forgot it was in my files until right at this moment. I was like, "What the fuck is this?" and had to check the tag. But I'd totally dance to it...so...


What do I think my current theme song is?
Atmosphere - Apple
"Just cause you're an MC doesn't mean that you get to be an asshole. Just cause you're a man, doesn't mean you get to act like a bitch."


What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Reel Big Fish - Don't Start a Band
"You will be so damn terrible, they will think you're shitty and bland...you won't get paid and you won't get laid"

Ok, mental note to self...don't...start...a...band... *places post-it note on computer monitor*


What song will play at my funeral?
Eminem - Rain Man (Instrumental)

I'm glad it's the instrumental and not that actual song, because what if I died in an accident where my legs got cut off? Say getting struck by a vehicle (see above). That would make this a highly inappropriate song.


What type of men/women do I like?
Reel Big Fish - Drinkin
"I've gotta friend, he's in my hand, he understands, he said with me everything won't be so bad..."


What is my day going to be like?
Aceyalone & RJD2 - Cornbread, Eddie & Me
"Fight somebody your own damn size..."

Sunday, March 26, 2006

#6




Here's to down-ass white boys
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I don't know if I mentioned it before, but...When The Revolution Gets Here, I'm making a monument to my dad*. He's not so much a "hero" of The Revolution, as much as he is one of its first "victims"...but I mean that in a good way. It's quite touching actually.

Yesterday, during our little talk about his posthumous wishes, we drifted off into very uncomfortable territory...namely, my "love life". These conversations are always ...well...painfully awkward are the only words that can be used to describe them. I feel that Papa Brooks and I have a deep respect for one another, not to mention, a non-verbal "don't ask, don't tell" policy for certain aspects of our lives. Still, he makes the attempt to dispense fatherly advice and I nod and try to imagine how great it would be if beer came out of our kitchen sink.

Anyway, my dad revealed to me that he basically hasn't found white women attractive since the late 60s. This really goes a long way towards explaining why my 63-year-old father has committed the entire BET evening line-up to memory. In fact, I attribute his "crossover" to this woman:




Some skinny bitch my dad dated in 1962, bless her heart
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Eventually, Pops got his head together, grew some facial hair and ditched the folk music outfit (I mean seriously, there are three guys and two extra instruments, one of which is a banjo...I'm not good at the math, but something doesn't add up there). He moved to a warmer climate and got a serious upgrade...




So fierce, he didn't stand a chance.
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And just like that...The Revolution began to take shape




Well, actually, it began to take shape about four years after this picture (when Yours Truly was finally born). I'd like to tell you that Robbyn got a little darker later...but I can't, as that would be lying ;)
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Man, who wears a fur hat on a tropical island?

My mama, that's who, biatch! Don't hate the playa...

*=don't fret, Mom is getting a statue too...sheesh

Saturday, March 25, 2006

"You killed my father, prepare to die..."




I'm not some slick, big-city lawyer..."
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I'm using my next to last paid sick day to skip work today. It's partially in protest of the fact that every single bit of overtime that I applied for was denied...but it's mostly because...fuck those stupid bitches. I got a week of vacation coming at the end of next month (I figure it'll take about seven days to recover from the horror of turning 25), which will leave me with exactly one paid sick day and 1 1/2 paid "floating" holidays to use up in May, which is when I'm gonna quit that sucker anyway.

I spent this morning talking with my dad over coffee, something we haven't done in awhile for various reasons. It was a fairly heavy discussion for so early in the morning, because he approached me about downloading power of attorney forms so that he can bring them to his lawyer to look over. He has to get power of attorney for my mom (because of her current situation) and he wants to give my sister Robbyn and me his power of attorney and make us co-executors of his estate (the fine establishment that it is).

Though my dad assured me he wasn't planning on biting the grass soon, he did impart to me instructions that Robbyn and I are to "sue the hell out of the government", should he die on-the-job in an accident caused by "one of those stupid, white, farm-boy assholes that I work with". He was quite adamant about that, finshing his rant with, "Yeah, git 'em good, precious."

Thinking about your aging parents' departure from the earth does have a way of putting a damper on your morning. Being able to ponder all the ways you could rain terror upon the "stupid, white, farm-boy assholes" responsible for your father's hypothetical demise...priceless.

Answering machine follies




"Who all seen the leprechaun? Say yeeeaah!!!!"
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The picture and corresponding link above have absolutely nothing to do with this post, but it's the funniest thing I've seen all damn day.

I finally got around to checking the answering machine tonight. I'm pretty sure I'm the person who checks the machine most frequently, since Robbyn has her own cell phone and my dad merely uses the machine to screen his calls (he doesn't want to give in to paying for caller ID). Because the phone bill isn't in my name, I also don't want to pitch in extra for caller ID...and since it's not that often that people are calling my house to talk to me...I merely just check the messages and delete the ones I deem to be unimportant.

I thought I'd record a few of my favorite messages from my most recent screening and post them here for your enjoyment. I think you can get a pretty good feeling of what it is like to call my house. For the record, my room is in the back of the house. I have a phone, but I don't keep the ringer on unless I am expecting a call, so I don't hear shit unless I'm in the living room. The first lady who is talking...yeah, she obviously dialed the wrong number...hard to imagine, because I think I'm being quite explicit when I say, "Hello, you've just reached the Brooks' residence, please leave a message after the tone." My oldest brother, Darron, has recently become BFF with my dad...it's weird, but he calls like 10 times a day...

Anyway, now (more than ever) I want to record my Aunt Helen (the 3rd person on the answering machine), she just cracks me up. Also I would like to take this time to tell my brother Remington:

Jesus Christ, dude...pay your goddamn cell phone bill and don't use me as your contact person for them. I'm tired of dealing with these bitches already. You've got five sisters...why me?!

Listen up
(you may have to right click and save the file to play it...fyi)

Friday, March 24, 2006

Filler Post #25 - Vengance is mine!

February 12th, 2006 was a very horrible day for me...at work. Granted, each day I go to work at my current place of employment is automatically a pretty sucky day. However, that particular day was quite taxing, because absolutely nothing went right and the poo-poo icing on that crap cake was that I was verbally assaulted by one of my co-workers...I shall call him Todd, Self-Proclaimed God of Roadside Assistance...

The boring backstory

See, what happened was that one of our all-knowing customers -- who are always right, mind you -- was stranded in Bullhead City, Arizona with a tow truck and a rental car that he mistakenly filled with diesel fuel (how he managed to fit the diesel fuel nozzle in his Ford Taurus is another question altogether). The problem was that this guy was on his way from Flagstaff, Arizona to Anaheim, California, where he had a 6:00am meeting at some large business-y place.

The problem: he put in the diesel fuel and broke down in Williams, Arizona, which is about 50 miles away from Flagstaff, where we have a rental location and where he was supposed to be towed into for an exchange. However, this guy somehow convinced the tow driver to take him to Bullhead City (170 miles from the breakdown location), because the customer "didn't want to backtrack". Unbeknownst to our clever customer and the tow driver, the counter at Bullhead City closes at 5pm on Sundays...and it was like 10pm by the time he got there. Long story short, nooooooothing is open (bus stations, taxis, our competitors) and this guy is stranded and absolutely has to make it to Anaheim in the morning.

The part that upset me a lot (also boring)

So, even though I get the call first and am trying to assist this douchebag, I happen to get disconnected and the guy calls back...this time getting an entirely different person...Todd...who proceeds to totally hijack the case I'd been working on for an hour and a half. Then, he has the audacity to come and bitch at me because I was already working on the situation and he didn't have the foresight to try and contact me to let me know that the guy had called back.

He comes stomping over to me shouting, "What is going on here?!" And I'm trying to give an explanation of the situation, but he starts cutting me off, saying "Bottom line!" Repeating that over and over...like he was bailing me out of some kind of muck I had created.

Sounds petty, I know, but it really ticked me off. I hate him for that...and I can hold a grudge like a muthafucka. Screaming at me in front of everyone (especially when I had done nothing wrong) was completely uncalled for.

Sweet, sweet revenge

I called my sister Cristal to pick me up from work today, as it was crazy cold and it had snowed(!) On the way home, I saw some flashing lights and as we approached I saw two police cruisers that had stopped this little white car. Since I wasn't the one driving, rubbernecking seemed like a pretty good idea and fortunately it was one that paid off, because two officers wrestling Todd to the ground and handcuffing him.

I'm a sick bastard...but that was poetic fucking justice.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

#5




"They should've never given y'all niggas money!"
(Oh, just save yourself now)
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While grocery shopping today, I hit the magazine aisle to see if the new issue of Scratch Magazine with the tribute to late producer J. Dilla had hit the racks as yet. Unfortunately, it had not. However, much to my satisfaction, I found out that this particular overpriced, yuppie grocery store carries one of my very favoritest mags ever: Wizard (Guide to Comics).

I stopped paying attention to what was going on in the comic book industry around the time that Katie broke up with Josh, but even as I began replacing a comic book addiction with my music addiction, I still purchased Wizard on the regular until about 2001 -- the biggest problem being that a lot of stores that sell magazines don't sell Wizard...so it became a kind of "out of sight, out of mind" kinda thing. Needless to say, I was pretty stoked about my new discovery (in a nostalgic kind of way).

So I'm lying in bed this afternoon, nursing my "Hooray! It's Wednesday and I don't have to go to work"-Hangover and I'm reading about how Sticky Fingaz from Onyx is going to play Blade on TV.

Now, Blade and I have had a very turbulent relationship since the movies have come out. I saw the first movie on a date...a very bad and awkward one at that. Then, when Blade II came out, I also saw that film while on a different date, albeit a much more fun date...that didn't blow up in my face until well after the fact. So, when I heard about Blade III, I was like, "Woohoo! I'll be going on a date soon..." Alas, I realized one shouldn't plan one's social calendar around the release of Wesley Snipes movies.

That was the first thing I thought of when I read about this new TV series. The second, and more important, thing I thought about was a topic that has been on my mind quite a lot, as of late: the plight of the undead...or, better said, the half-undead(?). I'm talkin' bout half-vampires, yo.

To be honest, I probably spend more time than is normal (or healthy) pondering about the undead, seeing as how the Great Zombie Debate is still somewhat of a touchy subject in my family. I fear I may be opening up an entirely different can of worms, but when faced with the choice of joining the ranks of the half-undead and something really really unpleasant...I think I'd have to go with the half-vampires (or "halb-wampires" auf Deutsch)

Think about it. No, seriously.

You can't really be half-zombie, because eventually...you'll be ALL zombie. It's inevitable. And don't get me started on werewolves...it's like, c'mon guys, make up your mind already.

But I can kinda see the whole thing behind half-vampires. They've got a lot in common with the Mulatto Struggle. I'm not just talking about imperviousness to sunlight, here. Oh yeah, there's much, much more. Ermm...like how mulattos struggle against a raging bloodlust...and how half-vampires have "good hair"...so many similarities, I tell you.

In an out and out fight to the death, I'd still have to give it to the mulattos.

That is, of course, unless the mulattos were up against mulatto half-vampires. Good God, we wouldn't stand a chance...

and this is why I try to stay away from tequila after work.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

'Cause your friends can't dance, and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine




"Aber Klaus..."
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The other day as I was leaving work, I was watching this old lady in front of me go down the building's main staircase. She totally missed the last two steps and went crashing down to the ground. Me (being the woman of action that I am) basically just stood there frozen for a second watching the poor woman, mouth agape. At that moment, two thoughts ran through my mind:

1.) "I hope she's ok."

2.) "Bitch, if you're responsible for derailing the Safety Train...I will kill you myself."

(Luckily for her, it turns out she was ok.)

See, at work, the powers-that-be like to keep track of on-the-job accidents. There's an easel in the lobby that displays the number of days since the last time someone got injured in the building...our "Safety Train", if you will. Sure, it may sound elementary, but get this...the longer we stay on the this train of safety, the more rewards we get. Rewards like candy bars and popcorn, which might also sound elementary, but fuck you, I want candy.

The thing that I find most troubling is how people can get hurt working at a call-center. I mean, aside from the staircase threat, it's not like it's a high risk job. Or is it?

Then, the more I thought about it, the more that I realized the potential for danger in my place of work. I shudder to think that one day, I too could fall victim to one of the following call-center hazards:



1.) The BBQ Pork Rib Sandwich in the cafeteria




"We start with authentic, letter-graded meat, and process the hell out of it, 'til it's good enough for Krusty."
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Now, in general, I try to avoid anything served in the company cafeteria, since it tends to mostly be of the fried variety. However, every few weeks, this treat will wind up on the menu...and then I really avoid the cafeteria. A rubbery slab of meat shaped to look like some ribs on a greasy bun? Voluntarily eating this is just asking for trouble.


2.) Headsets




"Gah *cough, cough* I can't breathe..."
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No matter if you're standing up or sitting down, this stupid thing is always on your head. One wrong move later, you've been choked the fuck out, cursing the cheap bastards who refused to get on board with the wireless age.


3.) Adjustable ergonomically-sound desks




"Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest. But I've got the medicine. Behold! The stickiest of the icky."
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Sure it's fun to raise and lower your desk on a whim, but what are you gonna do when that shit breaks? That's right, you're gonna die, bitch.


4.) Writing utensils




"Ahh...the voices...they've stopped"
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These are probably the most dangerous of all. 1.) Because you always need something to write with (especially in the event that the computer system goes down) 2.) Because about 10 times a day I want to just stab myself in the eye, thanks to the utter ridiculousness that I'm bombarded with on a daily basis.


I'm sure there are a few that I'm missing, like say, a horrible infection from a paper cut that was the result of turning the pages in a car manual too fast. These were just some of the worst that I could think of right off the top of my head. Comparatively speaking, they make a little stumble down the stairs look like a picnic, I think.

Besides, I also think if your bitch-ass can't navigate one flight of stairs, then you should be taking the damn elevator. It only goes up to the 2nd floor (the 1st floor in Germany), so should something happen, the drop is not very high, making your chances for survival pretty good (in my highly unqualified opinion).

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Holy shit




You know what they say about a messiah with big feet? That's right, he wears big roller skates.
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It probably wouldn't come as much of a shock to anyone if I said that there are a whole hell of a lot of churches in Oklahoma City. Like right off the top of my head I can think of at least ten within a two-mile radius of my house.

There very well could be a lot more than that, because contrary to the commonly-held local belief, Oklahoma is not "The Buckle of the Bible Belt". If anything, Oklahoma is the "Extra Notch on the Bible Belt (Like the Kind One Must Bore After a Particularly Gluttonous Holiday Season)"...that should give you a rough idea as to the number of houses of worship we have. Soooo many.

Still, you'd be wrong to think that it's the sheer number that I find off-putting. For I, too, have dabbled in the ways of religion (believe it or not)

Yes, growing up I spent loads of time going to church. Sunday morning service, Sunday evening service, Wednesday night service, Thursday night choir practice, Friday night youth group...am I forgetting something? Oh yeah, and my mom used to drag our asses out of bed at about 5am every day, until I was about 13-years-old, so that we could pray and read the bible before school. Am I bitter about this? Not at all, actually. Oddly enough (or not), I probably wouldn't be the person that I am today if I hadn't done all that stuff...

But I digress. Like I said, I don't really care that there are all these churches here. What I find considerably more interesting is where these churches can be found -- not so much in the geographical sense, but in the like architectural sense. It's like anything can be a church (and sometimes vice versa).

For example, the church I went to as a kid is now a used-car lot and the Wal-Mart I used to shop at a few years ago...is now a church. If a business shuts down, there's a good chance that a building-less congregation will soon be occupying the space.

Case-in-point: while I was out and about a few weeks ago, I noticed (with sadness in my heart) that my friendly neighborhood roller rink, Fun Skate, had finally given up the ghost. Mind you, I hadn't set foot in the place since I was like in the fifth grade, but back in the day...that was the place to see and be seen.

Not to mention the chance to show off your "moves"...like the time I got a strawberry soda at the snack bar (wearing skates) and proceeded to slip and fall flat on my face (covering myself in red soda), then while trying to get up, I fell flat on my ass, back into the soda...I called that move "The I-Didn't-Want-Friends-Anyway".

In the last 10 years, business had steadily declined and you'd see maybe 3 or 4 cars in the parking lot on a good day. I blame rollerblades for some reason. The end was kind of inevitable, I suppose.

Still, a few days ago, I was amused to see that (you guessed it) a church will be moving into the building in the near future. Of course, they'll probably cover up the rink and move in some chairs and shit...but...I mean, what if they didn't? I have to admit...that would kinda be cool.

They could set up the preacher's pulpit in the DJ booth and the people could just free skate and get some Jesus before heading off to Luby's. I mean it wouldn't be for everyone, but it'd be freaking entertaining. Especially if the preacher were to say something like,




"Can I get an amen? Now, everyone bow your heads and close your eyes...it's time for the backwards skate."
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Awesome.

It could very well happen, too. Since I'm not sure, but I think the people moving in there are the same people who hold their church services on Sunday mornings at the AMC movie theater in Quail Springs Mall. I could be wrong, but if I am...I don't wanna be right.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Hm, a few irish coffees before work doesn't sound like such a bad idea




Mmmmm...green beer
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I don't feel particularly well-rested this morning. I had this dream last night, one of those "Hi, it's me, your subconscious, I'm trying to tell you something"-dreams. Except instead of the usual dream scenario bizarreness, e.g "Well, I dreamed I was diving into a pool full of Vick's Vaporub...while coked-up monkeys tapdanced in hula skirts...what do you think that means? No, none of that for me. I think my subconscious felt it had to break it down for me...like I'm retarded or something.

So, now I'm awake...but tired...and a just a smidge offended at myself for insulting my own intelligence. Hey, brain: not cool, dude...not cool...

Friday, March 10, 2006

"I am gonna get you so many lizards!"




Biancadonk, seen here with Digital Underground (including, of course, The Revolution's Vice Minister of Disguises Shock-G)
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The good news: Coming soon: "Mulattos of Los Angeles"

The bad news: Bianca, founder of "Mulattos of Oklahoma", is moving away to start up the new chapter.

The worst news: With only hours left to go, it's still up in the air as to whether or not I will make it to the good-bye party (thanks a lot, stupid job). How much does that suck? Words cannot even begin to describe...

This is a pretty shitty turn of events. *sigh* Some days...

Anyway, should I not make it, B...I apologize and I shall find a way to otherwise redeem myself (see title)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Filler Post #24 - What part of "I'm illiterate" do you not understand?

Damn you, Toby, you've discovered my one weakness, seeing my name on other people's blogs. Prepare to be unimpressed...


Currently Reading?

~ Michael Connelly - Lost Light

Last Three Books You Read (for fun)

~ Dan Brown - Deception Point

~ Karrine Steffans - Confessions of a Video Vixen

~ Orson Scott Card - The entire Ender series (I thought I'd lump them all together, since they're all kinda related to the same story)

Last Three Books You Read Because You Had To

Good God, like I can remember...it's been like 3 years since I've had to read a book...and I don't feel like going to the garage to look inside my Big Green Trunk O' Books I Had To Read For Class...so, off the top of my head, here are the last 3 books I remember reading in my last semester of college

~ Gustave Flaubert - Madame Bovary

~ Dai Sijie - Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress

~ Stefan Zweig - Die Welt von Gestern

Three Books on Your "To Read Soon" List

~ I've never really planned to read a book, and I don't intend on starting now

Last Three You Started But Didn't Finish (not counting what you are reading now)

~ Patricia Cornwall - Portrait of a Killer: Jack the Ripper Case Closed. My stomach couldn't really handle the graphic forensic details of the murders...I held out for about 3/4 of the book, then just finally gave up. Blame the difficulty I have falling asleep combined with an over-active imagination...

~ Oscar Wilde - The Picture of Dorian Gray. I've been trying to finish this one for almost like 5 years now. The problem is that I'll start reading it, then put it down and then misplace it for a year, only to run across it again, then I think, "Oh yeah, I was reading this, wasn't I?" (then repeat)

~ James Joyce - A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. Immature and unrefined, the 17-year-old Raven hated this book and the style in which it was written. She refused to finish it, instead choosing to write about any other book except for this for her IB World Lit essays. Would I feel the same if I started reading that book today? Do I care? Does it matter? Um, no.

Thickest Book Near You

~ Criminology: Explaining Crime and Its Context. Did I mention Robbyn is majoring in Criminal Justice and 95% of the books in the bookcase in my room belong to her?

Thinnest Book Near You

~ U.S. Department of Education - Higher Education Opportunities for Minorities and Women -- Annotated Selections. Hmmmm....

Last Three Books You Received as a Present

Note: Aside from the time my Aunt Mary gave me the entire set Anne of Green Gables books when I was like 9-years-old (I don't know why she did this, lord knows I could have done without them) and when Aliya gave me the book Ivy Days as a graduation present, the only person who gives me books as a present is Katie. Remember, people, she is a publishing industry professional. In other words, unless you are my NSLP, do not send me books.

~ The Great American Pop Culture Quiz Book

~ Jill Conner Browne - The Sweet Potato Queens' Field Guide to Men: Every Man I Love Is Either Married, Gay, or Dead

~ A bunch of Newberry Award winning books

Last Three Books You Gave as a Present

~ James Frey - A Million Little Pieces

~ James McBride - The Color of Water: A Black Man's Tribute to His White Mother

~ Gabriel Garcia Marquez - Chronicle of a Death Foretold

Literature schmiterature




Survey Question: What's your favorite lunch?
Remington: A sandwich and a good book...I only eat the sandwich.
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I used to read a lot. Then I went to high school and college, where I also had to read a lot, but it wasn't fun. Up until recently, I really only read books that Katie sent me...'cause hey, free books.

Then I started my current job and I discovered that reading a book at work makes the time seem to go a lot faster and my co-workers tend to bother me much, much less (or maybe they still try to bother me, but it's easier to ignore them).

About two weeks ago, I noticed the book Confessions of a Video Vixen lying on the desk of the chick who sits next to me. Having temporarily run out of reading material, I picked it up and began reading it. I'd heard about the book some time ago because its author, Karrine Steffans, had caused somewhat of an uproar in hip-hop circles, by revealing information that the rap industry would rather have kept secret (i.e. rappers love to have sex with bitches...I know, I was shocked too!)

This cautionary tale/memoir reminded me of another controversial book I yoinked away from the desk of a co-worker months ago. I thought it would be fun to see how the two of them stacked up side to side... (um scroll down, what the shit is up with that?!)

































































































  Confessions of a Video Vixen A Million Little Pieces
Protagonist: Karrine "Superhead" Steffans James "Gotcha, Bitch!" Frey
 EDGE: James Frey. Although the nickname "Superhead" leaves very little to the imagination, I'd still pay money (about $3.50) to see James Frey go back on to Oprah just one more time and say "It's not what's gotten into me. It's what's gotten into Oprah...my seed, son!"
Cover Artwork: See picture above See picture above
 EDGE: Tought call. One cover looks like a hand covered in delicious candy sprinkles. The other cover is a sultry brown lady. Hmmm, I like candy and I like black people. Oh wait, the "candy" is supposed to be drugs and the "lady" is actually a ho. So, neither.
Page Count: 224 (with large print, wide margins, and pictures!) 448
 EDGE: Superhead. Although I have a vivid imagination and could probably conjure up a vision of what a "video vixen" might look like, it really helps when there are some pictures to go by. Also, you have to give it up for someone who throws in about 20 pages of photos like, "Eh, I don't feel like writing today, here are some pics. See? I wasn't kidding. Hooooo..."
Synopsis: A young girl from the Virgin Islands moves to the states with her abusive mother, awful things happen, she moves to AZ to live with her pops, runs away, becomes a stripper, gets beat the fuck up by a rapper, decides that fucking rappers and athletes is the key to success, makes a movie with Vin Diesel, fucks Vin Diesel...and a bunch of other dudes, until finally finding redemption after a night of Hennessy and a bad Ecstacy pill given to her by one of Ja Rule's boys. White kid from the suburbs awakens on a plane missing teeth and covered in puke and blood. His parents pay for him to go to rehab, where he meets all sorts of addicts, works on controlling "The Fury" and mouths off to authority figures, finally finding solace in the Tao Te Ching
 EDGE: Karrine Steffans. C'mon "The Fury"?! That sounds more like a rough night after some bad mexican food...
Personal Demons: Drugs, alcohol...
and suckin dick for money
Drugs and alcohol
 EDGE: James Frey. This is going on the assumption that he's really kicked his drug and alcohol habit. Karrine Steffans, on the other hand, just loves cock so much, she does it for free now...yes, free jewelry, money and fame.
Feat of Strength: Gave Kool G Rap head
until her nose bled
Dental work sans anesthesia
 EDGE: Tie. I wouldn't be keen on doing either.
Moral Support: Rapper/actor/OG Ice T His friend "Leonard"
 EDGE: ??? Shit, for all I know, Ice T is "Leonard".
Love Interest(s): Just about any and everyone who's ever been in The Source, Vibe, XXL, the NBA or on MTV, BET, UPN, The WB...and Bill Maher (not in the book, but sad nonetheless) A recovering crackwhore named "Lilly"
 EDGE: Frey. "Lilly" is quite the tragic figure, but reading a description of Fred Durst's junk makes me want to dry heave for daaaaays.
First Item on Post-redemption To-do List: Suck off Usher in the back of a limo Hit up a bar for a game of pool
 EDGE: Usher, I guess. These people are crazy.
What I "Learned": Diversify your portfolio. If you want to make People Think, use Capitalization.
 EDGE:Karrine Steffans. She never mentioned that in the book, but she should really think about it. Her dumb ass wouldn't have gotten into so much trouble if she had stayed in school and gotten a part-time job instead of becoming a stripper after her dad cut back on her allowance when she was 16.


FINAL TALLY:

Confessions of a Video Vixen: 4
A Million Little Pieces: 4
Usher: 1

Well then, it looks like there's no clear winner. We may have to go to Oprah for the tie-breaker...

Or you can just wait for my memoir, The Lebrookski Story (as told to André who typed this bitch up, yo!).

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Mardi, Bacardi, Party *yawn*




Me and K.D. (honorary Mulatto). I need a new pose.
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I woke up this morning surprisingly refreshed. I say "surprisingly" because I went to a Mardi Gras event last night and I a.) spent an assload of money and b.) drank a looooot of alcohol. However, I have no regrets because c.) I haven't socialized with anyone in over 2 months d.) it made Kelley smile. She is the shit. We're getting matching "52" tattoos...probably not tomorrow like I drunkenly promised...but soon.

The most unnerving part? Finding myself sitting next to Bianca's mom in a booth. Bianca's mom scares me, because she's just so Italian...and not like Ragu Sauce-Cookin-Up-Grandma-Italian...but like Milan-Vogue-Runway-Model-Italian. Also, it's just plain weird being intoxicated in front of your friends' parents...even if they obviously don't give a fuck. It's like, "Hey Bianca's mom, wanna do a jello shot?"

I should be used to this by now. I mean, seeing as how we've all smoked up together at one point...but still...just so wrong somehow...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

#4




"I'd rather use the unlimited power of my imagination...cause I ain't got no damn money." - Meatwad
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After a brief hiatus due in part to fatigue (read: laziness) I present you with a list of "50 Things Endorsed by the Mulatto Revolution".

I know, in the past (and probably in the future) I've been (I'll be) somewhat negative about things that will be abolished when The Revolution gets here.

That's not exactly the impression that I want to make. I'm a positive, glass-half-full kind of person and I want to prove it, by showing that there are some products and people with which The Revolution has no qualms...items that fall within our protective wingage (so to speak).


50. Four-color pens - You want 3 words to sum up The Revolution? Here they are...four-color pens...black, blue, red and green all together and at your disposal in one handy writing utensil.

49. Skype - Yes, another shameless plug...but goddamn, c'mon...it's about talking to people far away...for free...

48. Lip Balm - The Revolution is against chapped lips.

47. Strawberry Fanta - This drink is fuckin delicious, which is why The Revolution fully supports it. Strawberry Fanta is something that we (in The Revolution) don't get the chance to have often, but it's better that way. It's like you go some place and they've got Strawberry Fanta on tap and you're like, "Oh snap, I forgot how good this shit is!"

46. "Goldie" from Flavor of Love - Flava Flav! Why do they keep putting that crackhead on TV? I'm not one to endorse reality shows, but they had this one down-ass country chick on there that Flav named Goldie. She wasn't psycho, she didn't cause any drama and she made it to the final four. She was just plain cool and The Revolution can use people like that on board. Plus, if you lose on a show where the love of Flava Flav is the prize, doesn't that make you a winner in the long run?

45. Dad's Chilli Recipe - There's almost nothing better than coming home after a long day at work only to find a big pot of chilli simmering on the stove. The Revolution had some for breakfast, lunch and dinner yesterday.

44. Spaghetti Deluxe - Technically Spaghetti Deluxe is like equally as good as Dad's Chilli Recipe. The Revolution's Army will be grubbin good. So deluxe...so glorious

43. Oven mits - Ever try pulling a hot pan out of the oven with your bare hands? The Revolution has...and it's not fun.

42. The Maury Povich Show Paternity Test - "Revolution...you are NOT the father!" *whew*

41. Ceiling Fans - A cure for overheating, a cure for boredom...the only thing that can cure more ills is tussin (see #22)

40. Eyewear - The Revolution acknowledges that sometimes people have vision problems and that some people choose to solve these problems with contact lenses and the like. However, The Revolution firmly believes that people look mad intelligent when they're wearing glasses...and The Revolution finds that way fuckin sexy.

39. Glad Press & Seal Wrap - The Revolution used to keep a bunch of plastic bowls around for leftovers (e.g. Cool Whip containers) but somehow we eventually lost most of the lids. Yeah, that's exactly why The Revolution loves this stuff...

38. Airplane bathrooms - Appreciating the under-appreciated....that is the way of The Revolution

37. A Box of Wine - "...wer Wein aus dem Tetrapak trinkt, der frisst auch kleine Kinder!!!!!" Mmmm lecker (ich meine die Kinder, nicht der Wein)

36. The Trinidad & Tobago Bobsleigh Federation - 'Cause Tobago and Toboggans are a match made in heaven

35. Wrecking Balls - What better way to release the stress and tension resulting from a hard day's work? Not only is it just plain fun to say - wreckin' bawwwllls - but using one produces the same satisfying feelings as tossing back a six-pack without the liver or brain-cell damage (granted, of course, the wrecking ball doesn't make contact with your head and/or liver). Revolution smash!!!!

34. Ginger Kids - From Josh R. in elementary school to Conan O'Brien, The Revolution has always had a weakness for the redheads (see #20)

33. Rubber cement - Cause The Revolution cain't catch a buzz from sniffing double-sided tape.

32. Sconces - A touch of class for yo ass...nah just kidding...it's just a very fun word to say

31. Keyless Entry Pads - Excuse me if I take a moment out to put something that is more for me personally than for The Revolution. But seriously, when The Revolution gets here, every car is gonna have one of these.

30. Catfish noodling - Ever seent a catfish latched around a grown man's fist? Me neither (in real life anyway), but damn them rednecks is crazy...and fried catfish is delicious

29. Pasties - They're like little tiaras for your boobies, designed to make one feel like a princess. The Revolution doesn't really understand what that's supposed to mean, but it sounds about right.

28. Scrolling LED Belt Buckles

27. Flintsones Chewable Vitamins - Multivitamin...or Gateway Drug for The Revolution? C'mon now, "10 million strong and growing"? You be the judge...

26. Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits - Mulattos and fried chicken are quite fond of one another.

25. Shot glasses - You pull out one of these, you know you're fixin to get tore up! Weeee! The Revolution also likes it when you put a drink in a shot glass, then use one of those teeny straws to drink the liquid. Did I just have a growth spurt or am I drunk? Everything looks so small...

24. Giant novelty martini/margarita glasses - Again, if someone serves you alcohol in one of these...forget about it. The Revolution likes these oversized beverage containers for the same reason that The Revolution likes tallboy cans of beer...they make our hands look petite (great for those days when you don't want to play giant).

23. Chicken on a stick - Just to annoy Kelley.

22. Tussin - There's not much that this stuff can't cure and if you've tasted it as much as The Revolution has...then maybe you're thinking what we're thinking: alternative fuel source. Out of fuel? Put some water in the tank...shake it up! More tussin!

21. Defibrillators - April 1st will be known as International Defibrillator Day and everyone will get the chance to grab them paddles, yell, "Clear!" ...and shock the shit out of someone

20. Cupcakes - Not so much the baked good as the person, especially after reading this. The Revolution will endorse Cupcake as long as she keeps using the word "brotha" as many times as possible.

19. Grappling Hooks - If they're good enough for Batman, they're good enough for The Revolution.

18. Freeze-Dried Strawberries - When you start to think that maybe, just maybe, freeze-dried fruit compliments breakfast cereal better than teeny marshmallows...that's kinda like a sign of maturity, right?

17. Alcolado & aloe vera - The tussin of the West Indies. Much needed, because when we start powering our hovercrafts with tussin, we'll need medicine.

16. Febreze - Man, what did The Revolution do before this stuff was invented? Oh yeah...laundry...

15. Thompson's Teeth - The only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.

14. Beef - 1.) in the meat form - it's delicious 2.) in the non-meat form - it's highly entertaining. It's a win-win situation, baby...

13. Scratch Magazine - Until something finer comes along, this is officially The Revolution's favorite hip-hop magazine.

12. Moving sidewalks - This luxury shouldn't be limited to just airports, but it'll have to do until scientist develop that sweet, sweet tube technology.

11. Taco Bell - The Revolution thinks that Taco Bell and Mulattos share an important thing in common: just because some people may consider something unauthentic...doesn't mean it's not the fuckin' bomb...especially at 12am after killing a 12-pack of [insert favorite beer here]

10. Asian People - The chosen people of The Revolution...well...you know, after mulattos, of course.

9. This ol' thang - **drool**

8. Do-rags - It's a Revolution trademark. Bandanas, head scarves, wraps...whatever you want to call 'em.

7. Coffee Beans - Dude, coffee...

6. Care-Free Curl Gold - It keeps The Revolution's curls lookin muthafuckin tizzight.

5. Beer - "It's raining beer!"

4. Mamas - Even The Revolution has a soft side...respect

3. Analog - Mp3 players, digital cameras, and electronic schedulers are all fine and good, but there's a special place in The Revolution's heart for cassette tapes and vinyl and regular-ass cameras and paper.

2. Döner Kebap - I'm long overdue for one of these babies...

1. Mulattos - Duh