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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

If I had any say in the matter? MacGyver Channing Brooks, of course

P.S. Brrrr!
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Robbyn emailed me this phonecam picture of a bird yesterday. I’m assuming it’s a raven of some sort. Or at least another member of the crow family. I wouldn’t know, cuz I ain’t no damn ornithologist.

The sad thing is that the actual bird-raven is probably the coolest thing with which I share my name.

C’mon, I mean how badass is it that ravens are collectively known as an unkindness or a conspiracy? That fact alone makes the raven the Samuel L. Jackson of the bird kingdom – one bad mutha(shut yo mouf).

Aside from the birds, however, I am of the opinion that most things named Raven – with the exception of me, naturally – chart pretty high on the sucktacular list.

In recent times, my father has been known to (incorrectly) take credit for naming me, going so far as to say that it is "the most perfect name that [he] devised." I must admit, my full name is something of a work of art. It simply looks and sounds … awesome. And other names simply pale in comparison. For this, I truly apologize. To you. Especially if you have a sucky name. Say for instance, Beyoncé…which, let’s face it, just sounds made up.

Hey boys, my name sucks...hard
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Your name = satisfactory. My name = AMAZING.

If my full name were the villian in the movie Superman II it would say, "Kneel before Zod!" – except replace Zod with my full name.

Damn, where was I?

Here are some things that are crap, despite being named Raven:

1.) Lame 80s soap opera character from The Edge of Night, Raven Alexander Jamison Swift Whitney Devereaux Whitney – my namesake

Scandalous ho-bag
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My mom loved her some TV and named me after a cheesy soap opera character. As embarrassing and not-awesome as I find this piece of information, I do enjoy the following snippet from her character biography:

Except for a brief stint as a private investigator (Fall 1983), Raven never worked. Ever resourceful, she generally managed to survive with the help of Geraldine Whitney and an endless parade of suitors.

That’s kind of what I strive for, except without the part where I have to be what basically amounts to a ho…

2.) The relatively-obscure, early-90s, martial arts TV series Raven

I might jump from a tall building, I might roll a brand new car...
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The show was about a guy, whose last name was Raven, and he was looking for his son or something and did some kung fu shit along the way. He looked kinda like a broke-ass David Copperfield and Lee Majors was his sidekick. I guess this was supposed to make people want to watch the show. However, I think the general public felt pretty much the same way that I did: if Lee Majors isn’t either playing Colt Seavers (the unknown stuntman) or some type of souped up bionic man – we just don’t give a fuck. Good thing almost no one remembers this piece of crap show. Well, Robbyn does…but no one who counts, I suppose.

3.) The slightly-less obscure, late 90s TV series Highlander: The Raven

I have blond hair. It's ironic, get it?
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I love me some Highlander. Ok, let me re-phrase that. I like the first Highlander movie and most of the TV series (it got kinda weird during the last season). However, then the producers decided to make a spinoff TV show based around a lame re-occuring character from Highlander: the TV Show. I don’t even know what bugs me more, the fact that the chick compares herself to a raven (which really only happened in the opening credits) or that Highlander is in the title (because I don’t even think her character was from Scotland). It was just poorly named in every way imaginable.

4.) The popular childrens’ series on the Disney Channel That’s So Raven

Bitch, it is so on.
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I think Raven-Symone is going to be a thorn in my side until the day that I die. She was the cute little kid on The Cosby Show -- after Rudy Huxtable started puberty (and before she was in that Chingy video). Now the actress who portrayed the über-saccharine Olivia character on The Cosby Show has her own series complete with a lame premise: she’s a precocious teenager with psychic abilities?! Team that up with the the lamest TV show theme song ever and daily exposure to impressionable youth and it’s basically the recipe for a brain aneurysm. The sad thing is that she’s reaching that age where she’s getting too old for Disney. Next stop: MTV.

5.) Goth people that change their name to Raven

Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's!
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We get it. You’re sad, no one understands you and you could use a tan. Pick another name already. Here’s one for you – Gloomy McEvil.

Note: Same goes for strippers trying to decide on a stage name. Except for the tanning part (you prolly got that on lockdown) and as for name suggestions, trying going with the old favorite: Boobie McGee.

6.) Von Raven Pilsener

The closest thing to tasting ass...without actually tasting another person's ass
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I’ve regretted every single time that I’ve partaken of this beverage. All two of those times. It’s a truly rancid drink and it pains me to have to say that about A.) a beer B.) a beer that has my name in its name.

But as far as this beer goes…I’m not sure.

For those of you who've always wondered what poetry tastes like. Answer: chicken
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I suppose I’d have to give it a taste test first. The ad for it does seem kinda wrong, as it is basically promoting beer as a solution for depression. And for that, it’d better be pretty tasty.

But that’s actually about it, for now, as I have beef with neither the Baltimore Ravens, nor the cartoon superhero character Raven -- or even Braveheart, for that matter.

And to be honest with you, the fewer things on this list, the better.

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