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Thursday, November 03, 2005

"...and 100% reason to remember the name"

"This is 10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will, 5% pleasure, 50% pain..."
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Yesterday, I was informed that my benefits at work kick in on December 1st. One the one hand, this is rather good news insurance is, in general, quite a handy thing to have a around. Then again, it's just one more thing for the man to take out of my paycheck (as if all those state and federal income tax, social security and Medicare deductions weren't enough...sheesh).

Still, on the whole, I'm looking forward to not having to worry so much about every little headache ("It's not a tumor...")

The one thing that does kinda bug me, however, is the fact that my company is also going to start taking out money from my paycheck to pay for life insurance. Ok, granted, it's only going to be like $0.06 per week for the basic policy. But that's my goddamn $0.06! And that stupid policy would only pay out $10,000...

First of all, it's not like I'm doing really dangerous stuff at work that warrants a life insurance policy...

Second of all, I'm indebted to Smith College and the U.S Government for over twice that amount, which I suppose wouldn't even matter because -- and correct me if I'm wrong -- I would be absolved of paying back my school loans if I died. That said, I think the point that I'm trying to make here is that $10,000 (though more money than I currently possess right now) is still pretty much chump change in terms of life insurance.

At least, I would like to believe that the joy that I bring into my loved ones' lives has got to be worth much more than that. And by loved ones, I'm referring to most of the people reading this right now. I'm quite sure you know who you are.

So, anyway, I got this life insurance policy. And because of this, I have to name a beneficiary -- or beneficiaries -- (i.e. person(s) who would receive a pay out in the event of my untimely demise). Well, as long as this demise occurs between December 1st, 2005 and...let's say, February/March 2006 (which is, coincidentally, when I plan on quitting this piece of shit job and moving elsewhere).

I probably should have thought of naming my parents or some other family member(s), and the thought did cross my mind...but I ended up asking André first if he wanted to be my sole beneficiary. By my estimates, he's bought me at least $10,000 worth of beer...more or less...

To which he replied: "I have no idea what 'sole beneficiary' means."

Then after I explained, he said, "Why would I need money, if it wasn't for your Wohnzimmer*?"

Which was sweet, even though it didn't answer my question at all.

So, even though it's probably tempting the fates somewhat, I've decided to enter all of my friends and family members (with or without their consent) into a lottery of sorts. attention...
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I can name up to 4 primary beneficiaries and 4 contingent beneficiaries. Should I kick the bucket/bite in the grass, the $10,000 would then be split four ways in percentages that add up to 100% (for this purpose, I'll say 50%, 25%, 15% and 10%).
Then, I'll write the names of people who I think don't suck (friends and family) on slips of paper, which I will then place in a box. Then I will write the aforementioned percentages on slips of paper, and place those slips of paper in a "hat".

Then I'll draw 8 names. The first 4 will be the primary beneficiaries and the last 4 will be the contingent beneficiaries. I will draw from the hat to assign the amount of funds to be awarded to the primary beneficiaries. Should anything "happen" to one of the first four chosen...then everyone who fell below that person on the list moves up a spot...which is where the contingent choices come into play.

Clear as mud? Excellent.

I really hope I live to regret this...
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It doesn't really matter anyway, as I'm not going to reveal the results of the drawing. However, if you get a check for a large-ish sum of money between December and the beginning of next year...

Then congratulations in advance...

and don't spend it all in one place!

*= Wohnzimmer means living room in German. André is the keeper of my living room in Germany, and buys hot-ass accessories for the room (like projectors) in order to keep me happy.

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