Unsolicited Advice #1: For Schmidt

On any given day, the chances are pretty high that one, if not all, of the following phrases will escape my lips (at least once):

- "I hate you Schmidt."
- "I'm going to kill you Schmidt."
- "Just kidding, I don't hate you Schmidt."

and, most recently, "Jesus Christ, Schmidt! (Why are you/Stop being such) a bitter bastard!"

I'm not saying that he's a "difficult" person to be around, but he has his moments. It's like he wakes up in the morning, eats a bowl of logic and washes it down with a nice tall glass of pessimism. Which basically means that he's got a plan, method and Excel spreadsheet for everything (and I mean literally everything); however, there's really no point to it all, because everything is gonna get fucked up anyway.

Occasionally, this will get on my nerves and give me feelings of wanting to punch him in the face.

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This is probably because I'm a fairly illogical person and (for the most part) an optimist. Scratch that, I have a logic, but it doesn't follow any standard patterns. And the optimism thing is more of a survival mechanism than anything else. But still...

Let me put it like this:

Towards the very end of 2006, I was talking with a friend of mine who had spent a good deal of time at the end of 2005 seriously ill and in the hospital. We'd been discussing the good and bad points of 2006 when she told me, "This year wasn't perfect and some awful things happened, but...you know what? At least nobody stuck their fingers up my ass [in reference to her 2005 hospital stay], which means, overall, it was a pretty good year."

It was definitely in the Too Much Information- Category, but, if you dig deep enough, there's an anal-ogy and pun to be found within these words.

Sometimes you have to look at the big picture, because the good stuff can be the stuff that could have happened, but didn't.

Alright, Schmidt, I think I might have lost you at the fingers in the butt thing, I'm just trying to show you that you should try to look at the positive things in life.

For instance, you shouldn't go around through thinking stuff like: "Nobody wants to hump me."

First of all, that's not true, plenty of people want to hump you. Not me. But I'm fairly certain the number is somewhere in the range of plenty.

Now, I'm not saying that you should go with the mindset of "Everyone wants to hump me," because that's arrogant, not to mention untrue, since I just said that I don't.

A healthier attitude would be something more along the lines of "Somebody wants to hump me." It demonstrates a positive outlook on life and hope for the future and such.

To put it in terms that you might understand better:

It's like you're Data from Star Trek. Except with fewer positronic circuits and more German-ness and such, but other than that the same. You still with me? Ok, eventually, your brown-skinned, sight-impaired friend, Geordi LaForge (me) is going to help you install an emotion chip, it might make you go a little bit crazy at first, but we're not worrying about that as yet, because that's in the movie. The movie of our lives...

but I digress...

even without this emotion chip, you still have the ability to bang the hotties... and later the Borg Queen, which I'm not real sure if that's such a great idea...

Ok, so what's my point?

My point is that if you don't get to the prize tonight, you'll get to it eventually and possibly twice...even though a span of eight years or so might pass between the first and the second time. And that's something to look forward to, right?

So quit being such a negative bastard already ;-)

You're lucky that I'm such a dedicated wingman.

It's like Fry said, "I'm gonna get you so many lizards..."

Except replace lizards with boobies or something.

Yeah, and you owe me...