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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Yo ho d'oh!

MissFee was kind enough to remind me that today is Talk Like a Pirate Day, which is the national holiday of Pirate Land and my 2nd favorite made-up holiday (falling between Hug a Mulatto Day (Oct. 25th) and Kwaanza).

Schmidt, lucky bastard that he is, went out and got himself a badass head x-ray yesterday, which kinda made him look like a scary pirate. Sure, he says there's a medical reason behind the x-rays...but I question his timing. Too convenient.

Seriously though, in about a month and a half, I'm putting my favorite roommate in the (hopefully) capable hands of a guy with a knife who will fucking cut his face wide open (with the goal of fixing Schmidt's sleep apnea).

As is "typical Schmidt", he is none too happy about the procedure, but not for the reasons one might think (i.e. the part where they fucking cut his face wide open). No, my roomie is mostly upset because he will be in the hospital for a week and then on an extra week of bed rest. Oh, and the whole part where he's not supposed to have sex for three weeks because it would raise his blood pressure and his face could explode (which is pretty much the most tragi-larious thing that I could ever imagine).

For the most part, I see the surgery as a good thing for the following reasons:

1.) It significantly lowers my chances of finding Schmidt all blue and Smurfy and dead in his bed one day.

2.) Uh...hello?! Two weeks of having people wait on you hand and foot...

3.) It conveniently coincides with his birthday this year and I can buy him this outfit:

At any rate, it's probably going to be hardest on me, since I'm the one who'll be hearing him lament, "My face, my beautiful face!" and "Oh God, I'm such a monster!" Day in and day out. I won't be able to make "I'll cut you!" jokes for awhile... and I'll have to apartment dance for two. Also, the that thing where I'll have a Schmidt on my hands who hasn't gotten laid for three weeks. Believe me, it's not pretty.

So, what I'm saying is, basically, if you're going to pity someone...pity me. If anything, I'll appreciate it much much more.

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