The one about corn

One time I ran across an internet forum where this guy went on a pompous, long-winded tirade about the evils of corn. I wish I could find it again, because the dude really had absolutely no love for corn ... which was so random and hilarious to me. The whole thread was kind of a discussion about the industry of raising animals for food and then the process of growing food to sustain the livestock simply to keep the animals alive long enough so people can kill and eat them.

For the most part, the discussions on the thread were quite civil. That is, until Corn-Dude showed up. He was a European male (I don't recall where he's from anymore) in his early 30s and, as I previously mentioned, completely anti-corn. According to him, not only does no one in Europe eat corn, but it's also widely regarded as being something like the equivalent of dog food. He ranted and raved at length about how he has never eaten a single kernel of corn in his 30 years of life and that, to his knowledge, neither has any of his friends or family.

Now, this being the internet and all, it's completely possible that Corn-Dude was just full of shit. It's also possible that there could be places and pockets of people on the continent who don't have access to corn. I simply don't know. I just found his rather convincingly sincere blanket generalizations to be amusing.

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My personal feelings towards corn are rather ambivalent. It's alright, I guess. I never really considered it a major staple of my diet back at home, even though I'm from a part of the country where people are sometimes described as being “corn-fed”. I've always seen it as more of a side dish, but I really have no strong feelings either way.

I don't know the German relationship to corn. I never really investigated it as such. I know that the product is not scarce here. There may or may not be cornfields in the country. Germans may or may not associate corn with America. Sometimes you'll find that foods labeled “American-style” are just bathed in some kind of weird barbeque sauce and sprinkled with corn, but maybe that's supposed to be ironic or satirical... I don't know.

What I do know is that there is apparently some kind of craze sweeping across...well, Hamburg? The entire nation? I don't know of I'd call it a “craze” exactly or if it's even “sweeping”. Still, in the Altona train station I noticed a little eatery called “Cup n' Go”. I've passed by it a number of times and had always assumed, due to the cup reference that it was some kind of coffee stand or maybe smoothies...some kind of Jamba Juice knock-off place perhaps...

But for some reason when I was walking by it on Saturday, I took a closer look at the sign and thought to myself, “Hm, well that looks like a cup full of corn.” Then I kept walking. Then I stopped, my brain said “What the fuck?” and I turned around and went back to look at it some more.

Apparently, Cup n' Go is a food franchise that is trying to put the f-u back in c-o-r-n...

For a price, they will sell you ... a fucking cup full of corn.

That's not all they have to offer you though. They also have the ability to sell you... a fucking cup full of potatoes...

Or if you can't decide between corn and potatoes. Don't worry! You can go wild and mix them both together for a cup of corn AND potatoes.

How 'bout them apples? Earth apples, that is – which is another word for potatoes in German.
A-maize-ing!

I've never seen anyone standing in line at the Cup n' Go or people chowing down on a cup full of corn on the train. The concept might just be so revolutionary that people are simply too afraid. I know I'm a little afraid of the idea. I've never had a hunger that could only be satiated by a cup full of corn. After a night on the town I've never turned to my friends and said, “Dudes...you know what I could really go for right now? Fucking corn...yeah baby”

But perhaps people like me aren't really the target group for a company like Cup n Go.

I'm somewhat intrigued, however, and that might just be enough to get me to try it out – at least once...just to say that I did. Open-mindedness and all...

but when/if I do, I'll be thinking of Corn-Dude and wondering if they've got a Cup n Go franchise around his parts. The sheer look of horror and subsequent flipping of his shit would be absolutely priceless.