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Saturday, November 29, 2014

Ms. X says

Ms. X (co-founder of the Fake It Until You Make It Book Club) is one of the funniest people I've ever met. Whenever we get together for our "book club" meetings, we have the most fascinating conversations. I'll be documenting the amusing things that she says to me that I manage to jot down or remember.


On Terms of Endearment (Kosenamen)

Ms. X: He even remembered my nickname...
Me: Hasi? (rabbit?)
Ms. X: No... Shaniqua.

On Religion

Ms. X: I come across as a holy gangsta... who am I kidding? There is nothing gangsta, but my butt.

Past quotes after the jump...


Past quotes:

On birthday surprises

Ms. X: A co-worker gave me the key to his apartment to water his plants. It's his birthday tomorrow, so I'd like to do something nice for when he gets back.

Me: What are you thinking about?

Ms. X: Some kind of nice birthday table with decorations and a card. Then, I would marinate some chicken and put it in his fridge so he can eat it.

Me: Raw chicken?

Ms. X: No, it's marinated. He would just have to pop it in the oven.

Me: So, he's basically cooking it himself.

Ms. X: No. He just has to PUT it in the oven. Then, take a bath and voila...done.

Me: That still seems like a lot of work to me. What about the birthday table? Are you planning on getting candles?

Ms. X: It's a birthday, so candles are a part of that.

Me: You can't just light candles and leave the apartment.

Ms. X: The candles are part of the display.

Me: So he would have to light the birthday candles himself?

Ms. X: Well... yes, of course.

Me: That seems like a lot of work to me,

Ms. X: I think you underestimate the power of candles.

Me: So, what about this raw chicken, again?


Me: Whatever... couldn't you at least pre-cook it? That way, he just has to re-heat it.

Ms. X: Or maybe I could do meatballs. I could cook the meatballs. The good thing about meatballs is that you can also eat them cold. I heard that's what they like to do. Yes, meatballs and maybe potato salad.

Me: "They"?! Who are "they"? White people?

Ms. X: No, people from Southern Germany.

On the new black

Ms. X: This year, while I was at a lecture during Black History Month, I learned that the term halbschwarz (half-black) is no longer politically correct.
Me: So, what do I call me now?
Ms. X: You've been upgraded to just black.
Me: That's nice. Can I still call myself mulatto?
Ms. X: Not if you don't want to be run out of town.

On new apartments and book clubs

Ms. X: So, do you have a big screen TV at your new place?
Me: No.
Ms. X: When are you getting one?
Me: I don't know, probably never.
Ms. X: Where are we going to watch movies? You know, for our book club? Don't tell me we're going to actually start having to read books.

On politics and faking it until you make it

"I've been trying to fake it until I make it, but I don't think I'm ever going to be the President of the United States."

On the German magazine NEON

Ms. X: What kind of magazine is NEON? I always see sophisticated people reading it.
Me: Well, they're mostly just sophisticated-looking hipsters.
Ms.X: That's exactly what I need!
Me: Huh?
Ms. X: I joined the Fake It Til You Make It Club so that I can fake it until I make it. I just need to look sophisticated. And I know I'm hip and a star, so it's perfect. I once walked around an airport with a P.M. [World of Knowledge] magazine and I could tell people were already looking at me in a different light.

On Americanisms

Ms.X: One of my current favorite American phrases is "Nailed it!" But I'm not sure it's even a good one because you never really seem to say it.
Me: I do say it sometimes. Mostly ironically, when someone hasn't "nailed it". These days, I say "nerd alert" a lot. Like when someone gives you too much detailed information about a particular topic.
Ms. X: Oh, I used to say "black attack". It's like when you're out with your friends and you see another group of Africans coming towards your group.

On waffles

Ms. X: So, I think I have to tell him that we can't be friends anymore. My plan was to ask him to invite me to his house so that he can make me some waffles. And then I would tell him.
Me: That's kind of weird, maybe you could make the waffles and the friendship ending separate days.
Ms. X: But I really would like to eat some waffles. With powdered sugar.
Me: You'll have other waffle opportunities.
Ms. X: Why? Do you have a waffle maker?
Me: No. Do you?
Ms. X: No! If I did, we wouldn't even be having this conversation! I'd be eating waffles.

"What kind of gift says, 'I'm cultured, but I'm also broke'? Oh, I know...a book!"

After telling her that she would be a great contestant for the "Faces of Africa" beauty pageant in Hamburg:

"Do you think I'm going to make a fool of myself in public?! Dressing so that people can see my bum...for free?!"

Whispering to me at the end of a film in a small movie theater

"So everyone talks through the movie previews, but no one makes a sound while the credits roll? Come on, get up, we should start a movement." [Note: we stayed seated through the credits, it was a very small theater]

"I made us a nice curry. It's like a goat curry, but with chicken."

"Sometimes it's like you're racist, but towards children." [Edit: she meant this in the sense of children as a group and not children of a particular ethnic group, I don't know if that aids in understanding or makes it worse]

"If you're a woman who can catch a fish with a spear, you can do anything. It's like if you learn how to catch a fly with chopsticks, then you can accomplish anything in life. I mean anything. Mr. Miyagi taught me that."

"First of all, there are many Ghanaians who can't swim. There are places where dolphins swim and places where Ghanaians swim. They don't mix."

"I don't know what I would do if my children had to be vegan. What would I cook? What would I make for the feast of the goat?"

"I'm sorry, but sounds like a disease. If I went to an African party where there's food and said, 'Sorry, I'm vegan' they would say, 'Don't worry, I pray for you.'"

"I'm not good at fasting, because I don't like getting hungry."


Mofo from do said...


Pickles said...

The quote about veganism as a disease made me think of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, "What do you mean he doesn't eat no meat!?! That's okay, I'll make lamb."