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Thursday, December 29, 2011

30 years of Raven

First off, my apologies for not finishing off my Copenhagen story. I'm pretty sure my last entry in the series was going to be about our last day, which we spent in the autonomous borough called Christiania. I'm fairly sure...but not 100% since it's been a few months. I'm also pretty sure it was going to be a story about weed, because that's what the place is known for. Pusher Street and the rows upon rows of makeshift stands and tents selling weed and hash. And then a guy who told us that Danish jail was awesome and how he and his friends took turns getting busted during raids so that they could go to jail. So just imagine that I just told you that story. Or meet up with me at some later date and I try to recall it in a more eloquent fashion.

Right now though, I'll try to summarize 2011. Gotta wrap it up, tie on a bow and put it in the archives.

It's been a strange year. I don't know if I always say that; I haven't gone back through my entries to check. However, I can say that with all that has happened, it feels like several years compressed into one. So here's some remarks that come to mind in no particular order:

My first gray hair -
For some reason, I suppose a part of me always thought that I would not (unlike every other human ever) get gray hair. It was just never on my radar of things to think about with regards to getting older. But there it is...a lone (as far as I know) scraggly white semi-curl on the left side of my head. When Frosty pointed it out to me, it was so sudden. I'll admit I was kinda shocked. Though I supressed the urge to yank it out. My mom always thought gray hair was awesome, she couldn't wait to go gray. Where some women would go to the hairdresser to blend in the gray with their "natural" hair color, she had wanted to dye all of her hair gray. It came out more like platinum blonde, a style which she rocked for the better part of the 90s. So, I figure that I just let them all go one by one.

Therapy -
I've been seeing a therapist for most of the year. I spent most of 2010 looking for one (long and complicated story). Since it took me so long to find a therapist (one who's not a complete waste of my time), I feel somewhat of an obligation to make it work. Plus, I've told her pretty much all of my shit and she's listened to me cry-snot-talk for about a total of 45 hours and I really don't want to start from scratch. This is also probably one of the best things that I've done purely for my own well-being & have stuck with (it helps that I have to pay 50€ if I miss a session). I have a lot of grief/family guilt issues that had gone unattended for too long and, coupled with the horror aftermath from my previous job, it began to unpleasantly manifest as panic attacks. I couldn't really cover it up with optimism and a good sense of humor anymore and it was probably the best decision I made this year. My therapist is weird as hell sometimes, but we've got a good working relationship. So once she's back from her ashram or whatever, we'll pick up where we left off. My goal is to really get back into writing, but a lot of these issues that I've been having led to some extreme writer's block. So it's a work in progress, even if no one really even reads my blog anymore, I'm not going to give it up.

Professional stuff -
I just got my permanent contract. Working with online communities has been a pretty cool experience. Even though I've been with my company for nearly two years, I'm still a bit haunted by the bullshit from the job before this one. I'm really surprised at how my psychopath ex-boss was able to cut me so much to the core that it still can affect how I perceive my own competency at my job (especially since I'm not even doing the same goddamn thing anymore). As with every job, some days are better than others. Overall, I do think that I'm pretty good at what I do. For 2012, I want to set my own goals. Maybe they're not going to be completely in line with the ones set forth by the company, but I'm fully capable of knowing when I'm working at my best and when I'm half-assing it. So I will use myself as the measuring stick.

Relationship -
I do believe that I have the most awesome boyfriend ever. 2011 has been a great year for Raven and Frosty. Not only have we spent more time together than in 2010, but he's been through about the worst of my shit and when he wasn't totally unfazed by it, he's been at least very constructive about it. Our relationship continues to mature and while we have our bad moments, even those really help me to reflect. It's all very romantigrownup. I love it. I love him.

Mi familia de locos -
For the first time in a long time, I've been actively homesick. It's a weird and gross comparison to make, but it's kind of like in the days leading up to getting your period (obviously you'd have to be an ovulating female-bodied person to really understand this metaphor). Anyway, there are cramps and mood swings and even though you've been through it a bajillion times, you're totally flummoxed as to why you're feeling this way. Then...bam! Period! And then everything makes sense. So it took me while to realize again what homesickness felt like and that this is what I'd been feeling. family. Facebook has helped the contact, but there's room for improvement in 2012 and the forseeable future. The dynamics have changed so drastically in the past 4 years. It's really astonishing and even more so to realize that we're still at the beginning of these massives changes. But we all need to work on how we communicate and relate to one another. Or we don't and then we just stop speaking to each other for 20 years. That would be a total fucking shame...but I don't think we're to that point yet.

Friends -
I saw far too little of my friends this year. Part by choice, part by circumstance. I aim to change that. I let go of some dead weight, poison friendships and I'm embracing some new ones. However, there are definitely people who have helped shape who I am today and have helped a sista out in a jam. I'm an incredibly lucky and priviledged person to know so many kick-ass people who will throwdown for me. I can only hope that they know that I would do the same in a heartbeat.

Me -
I think I've come a long way since the beginning of the year. I don't really know what direction I'm going to go in from here. But if my 20s have taught me anything, it's that I'm fully capable of rolling with the punches. I've already managed by 30 to get to one of my big life goals (which has been to live and work in Germany). I know people probably have bigger goals that include more material things than that, but I'm not really to the point yet where that stuff matters. I guess for now it's enough for me to know that I'm basically living my dream everyday. Now, I just have build on that momentum and, you know, do other stuff with it. The hard part before was just that I felt like an exposed wound a lot of the time. Now I've got some bandages and salve, time to heal up a bit and re-work my strategy so I don't get fucking clocked so much ;)

So, that's all I really have to say about 2011. One of my defintie resolutions for 2012 is to write at least once a month, but hopefully more. But that's really only for me, if you enjoy it anyway, then *high five*


mofo from do said...

still reading your bLog

lebrookski said...

thanks! also you're contractually obligated by the imaginary contract in my mind to read my blog(s) forever