Shit that (in the grand scheme of things) does not matter. At all.

"Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of people know that."

Here are three things that were brought to my attention recently by a variety of media outlets (print/TV/internet):

1.) I graduated from the 81st best high school in the U.S.

2.) I graduated from the 19th best liberal arts college in the U.S.

3.) I currently reside in the 216th most liberal city in the U.S., which, coincidentally, is also the 22nd most conservative city in the country

These numbers prove nothing except, perhaps, my attraction to the subpar.

I mean, seriously, don't the ordinal "81st" and the superlative "best" effectively cancel each other out somehow? I suppose that's why people say shit like "Top-This or That". Still, that just sounds like some can't-face-the-facts bitchmadery right there.

Lists and rankings are based on too many arbitrary factors to me to actually take them seriously. Example: Bow Wow currently has the Top 2 rap singles on the Billboard charts -- let that sink in for a second...

It's basically like Homer said, any idiot can come up with some numbers and facts to mean anything that they want, as this idiot (me) will now demonstrate.

It's a "fact"...

I'm the 37th Good-est Thing

Take that, sliced bread!

According to the original 200 entries on The Good List, devised and conceptualized by my Non-Sexual Life Partner, I'm better than "not losing it" but not as good as "the newsradio block at 12:30am". I don't even come close to the goodness that is flannel sheets.

I suppose I could take solace in the fact that my "ability to pay for [Katie's] pizza" ranked #8 -- 29 spots higher than...well, my actual existence, basically.


Oklahoma ranks 18th on the "States with an Identity Crisis"-List

"Are you a Mexi-CAN or a Mexi-CAN'T?"

Right behind two of the southern border states, New Mexico and Arizona (Undocumented Immigrant: Um, sorry officer, I didn't know we couldn't do that...); two of the northern border states Minnesota and Wisconsin (Wisconsian: Ya know, I don't know why I talk like this either, ey); and the Original Thirteen Colonies ("Crap, what where we thinking?!") -- Oklahoma is the 18th top state with an identity crisis.

Are we in the South? (some of us sound like it) The Midwest? (the media says that we are) The Mid-Southwest? (pardon?) Or are we "Native America"? (well, now we're just making shit up, aren't we?)

Everyone is aware that Oklahoma, the great bastion of mediocrity, is "OK" -- but what is it geographically-speaking? Um, no one really knows.

Which explains Robbyn's subscriptions to both Southern Living and Midwest Living

"Just covering all my bases," said Robbyn

Smith College students (and alumnae) annually consume twice the amount of Haterade as the national average

This'll prolly get me in some hot water, but fuck it.

Don't believe me? Just take a gander at the Smith Daily Jolt Forum or the Alumnae Forum. We'll hate on Wellesley, Carol Christ, Ruth Simmons, US News and World Report, Mt. Holyoke, Vegans/Vegetarians/Meat-eaters, our fellow Smithies, a person's spelling/grammar abilities (or lack thereof), yo mama, people who go to state schools...

If it's any consolation, we haven't quite reached OkayPlayer-Hater status.

Yes, I'm aware that I have issues, shut up.


A telepathic survey of 50 of my closest friends reveals that I am, on average, the 4th least sober person at any party I attend

Granted, I am the #1 least sober person in this photograph

I admit that the results of the survey are somewhat skewed, as I have neither telepathic abilities, nor 50 close friends. However, I can think of at least three other people who are likely to be more inebriated than me at any given gathering that I attend where alcohol is also served.

Oh yes, you know who you are...