'Cause your friends can't dance, and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine

"Aber Klaus..."

The other day as I was leaving work, I was watching this old lady in front of me go down the building's main staircase. She totally missed the last two steps and went crashing down to the ground. Me (being the woman of action that I am) basically just stood there frozen for a second watching the poor woman, mouth agape. At that moment, two thoughts ran through my mind:

1.) "I hope she's ok."

2.) "Bitch, if you're responsible for derailing the Safety Train...I will kill you myself."

(Luckily for her, it turns out she was ok.)

See, at work, the powers-that-be like to keep track of on-the-job accidents. There's an easel in the lobby that displays the number of days since the last time someone got injured in the building...our "Safety Train", if you will. Sure, it may sound elementary, but get this...the longer we stay on the this train of safety, the more rewards we get. Rewards like candy bars and popcorn, which might also sound elementary, but fuck you, I want candy.

The thing that I find most troubling is how people can get hurt working at a call-center. I mean, aside from the staircase threat, it's not like it's a high risk job. Or is it?

Then, the more I thought about it, the more that I realized the potential for danger in my place of work. I shudder to think that one day, I too could fall victim to one of the following call-center hazards:



1.) The BBQ Pork Rib Sandwich in the cafeteria

"We start with authentic, letter-graded meat, and process the hell out of it, 'til it's good enough for Krusty."

Now, in general, I try to avoid anything served in the company cafeteria, since it tends to mostly be of the fried variety. However, every few weeks, this treat will wind up on the menu...and then I really avoid the cafeteria. A rubbery slab of meat shaped to look like some ribs on a greasy bun? Voluntarily eating this is just asking for trouble.


2.) Headsets

"Gah *cough, cough* I can't breathe..."

No matter if you're standing up or sitting down, this stupid thing is always on your head. One wrong move later, you've been choked the fuck out, cursing the cheap bastards who refused to get on board with the wireless age.


3.) Adjustable ergonomically-sound desks

"Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest. But I've got the medicine. Behold! The stickiest of the icky."

Sure it's fun to raise and lower your desk on a whim, but what are you gonna do when that shit breaks? That's right, you're gonna die, bitch.


4.) Writing utensils

"Ahh...the voices...they've stopped"

These are probably the most dangerous of all. 1.) Because you always need something to write with (especially in the event that the computer system goes down) 2.) Because about 10 times a day I want to just stab myself in the eye, thanks to the utter ridiculousness that I'm bombarded with on a daily basis.


I'm sure there are a few that I'm missing, like say, a horrible infection from a paper cut that was the result of turning the pages in a car manual too fast. These were just some of the worst that I could think of right off the top of my head. Comparatively speaking, they make a little stumble down the stairs look like a picnic, I think.

Besides, I also think if your bitch-ass can't navigate one flight of stairs, then you should be taking the damn elevator. It only goes up to the 2nd floor (the 1st floor in Germany), so should something happen, the drop is not very high, making your chances for survival pretty good (in my highly unqualified opinion).