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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

What would MacGyver do?

Now available in new minty-green flavor!
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Every once and awhile I like to drop by Alex's blog.

While I do like to keep tabs on the going-ons in 117a -- future site of my new living room -- I mostly read his blog so that later I can pretend that I know some useful/intelligent information in the hopes of impressing people that I encounter in fancy places.

*crickets chirping*

Ok, seriously though, my brain is incapable of processing useful and/or intelligent information.

What I can do though, is come up with some suggestions as to how Alex can put his now (seemingly) useless crutches to good use.

The Scenario: You injur your foot. As a "consolation prize" you're given a spiffy set of blue crutches from the hospital. However, the actual amount of time that you use said crutches (for injured foot purposes) amounts to only one day. You're a suave modern male, who doesn't like things to go to waste. Whatever shall you do with these contraptions?

Truth is, there are plenty of things you can do with crutches that you no longer medically need. For instance, you could donate them to the gimpy. Or, taking a more pessimistic stance, you could keep them around until the next time one of your lower limbs swells up to size of a basketball.

Alternatively, you could even go down that other road that Buche suggested...but something tells me that wouldn't be the safest (not to mention, hygienical) thing to do.

So, after quite a bit of careful and scientific ponderation, here are my proposals of things Alex can do with his crutches:

5.) Modified Pimp Cane

We ain't in Russia, so gurrl, why you rushin'?
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I don't know what you heard about Alex, but he's somethin of a m*********n' P.I.M.P. And everyone knows that pimps need a fancy cane. You know, for the hoes to kiss and such (also to help carry the weight of their almost unbearable pimpness). Slap some diamonds on that bitch and hit the town. You will be set.

4.) Makeshift Ski Poles

Swiss Miss ain't got nothin on me
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Now this is pretty MacGyver-esque right here. Not only can you have yourself a good ol' time in the snow, but if you do happen to get hurt, how convenient would that be?! You could just get up and limp your ass right back to the snow hut -- bypassing the first-aid station altogether -- and get yourself some hot cocoa or whatever. I've never actually been skiing (though, ironically, I was in an unfortunate kicking accident that caused a condition known as Skier's Thumb) but that's how I imagine it would be.

3.) Be a majorette in a marching band

One time, at band camp...
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The German style crutches are great for twirling, much better than the American-style ones, which are pretty much only superior in one area: playing air-guitar. So for this category, you can replace being a majorette with any kind of activity that involves twirling something. For example, being a ninja.

2.) Play Highlander

There can be only one
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This is great because you've got two crutches and you can put them both to use here. You can run around as Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod and challenge your friends to sword duels. You can even recreate the battle in Highlander: Endgame (the suckiest of the Highlander movies), in which Connor MacLeod and Duncan MacLeod face off.

1.) All-Purpose Poking Stick

Also good for keeping the kids in line
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Can't find the remote for the TV/stereo/etc.? Doesn't matter. With a poking stick all of your problems are solved. I know Alex isn't a lazy guy, but at least he now has that option... you know, just in case. Plus, with some handy-dandy duct tape, you can combine the powers of two crutches to make the "Ultimate All-Purpose Poking Stick"

The possibilities are virtually that your foot isn't holding those sticks back from realizing their potential. I mean, you could probably even call up Xzibit or something and I'm sure he'd come over and have some guys put a bunch of shit on your crutches that you didn't even think was possible.

Reach for your dreams, my friend.

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