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Friday, September 09, 2005

Smarter than the average beer

"It'll get you drunk!"
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Tonight I finally went out and rented the Dave Chappelle DVD, For What It's Worth -- and for what it's worth, you should peep that when you get a chance, because that shit is hilarious. Oh Dave, if it were somehow possible to give birth in an effortless, painless and not disgusting manner...I would have 10,000 of your babies.

Long live the Chappelles, indeed.

It's funny though, at the 7-11 near my house there was this clerk who I'd see all the time when I went on beer runs, he was pretty nice and we'd chat before I'd leave. I hadn't seen him for the past few weeks, but I didn't really give it any thought. Turns out that he now works at the Blockbuster on May and 122nd, but he remembered me. And now he probably thinks my name is Robbyn, since I was using her card.

In the weeks since I've been home, Robbyn's been throwing around this horrible rumor about me, implying that I would do anything for a case of beer. She's even gone so far as to throw around the term "beer whore". I realized it was getting out of hand last week, when my sister Gillian stopped by to ask me if I would take her kids door-to-door so that they could sell their school fundraiser "wares" (*cough cough*crap*cough cough*). Gillian offered to pay me, and Robbyn said, "You don't need to pay her, just buy her some beer."

Don't get me wrong. I. Like. Beer. I could even take that a step further and say, "I effin' love me some beer!" However, I will not "do anything" for beer...

I'm not a beer whore
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I'm not even a beer snob, really. If I'm that hard-pressed for a buzz...all I need is like $1.50. That's like 6 quarters, yo, and it'll buy me 40 ounces of a beer-flavored beverage with a much higher alcohol content.

Malt liquor, bitches. Fuck World's Finest Chocolates.

If it's good enough for Lando Calrissian, it's good enough for me.
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Last week I learned a very important lesson, namely, that even ghetto-ass liquor stores are not immune to gentrification. One of my favorite borderline ghetto liquor stores -- Camelot Liquors -- has become a tiny, cramped wine/beer snob oasis, of sorts. They carry all sorts of fancy imported beer, which is cool, I guess...but nevertheless, expensive and out of my budget. And it's not just the imports...domestics have also become a bit pricey.

I mean, did I miss a memo or something? But since when does a 12-pack of Pabst longnecks go for $12.99? And more importantly, since when does Pabst even come in longneck bottles?! Grrr...

I liked Camelot Liquors because you had all the comforts of a ghetto liquor store (low prices, colorful personel), without the ghetto liquor store hassle. Shit, I'd go to Bryon's Liquor Wholesale all the time, except there's something about it that just turns me off. Maybe it's the need for armed police officers and the overabundance of dudes tryin to holla by saying "Hey baby girl, you can't finish that 6 pack all by yourself." Just watch me, son, just watch me. Then I bounce. East siiiiiiiiide!

Anyway, I managed to find a rather "interesting" concoction at Camelot. It's called "Evil Eye" and, in my humble opinion, it certainly lives up to it's name. It's concentrated evil in liquid form.

With a can like that, how could I resist?

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The taste is a little too sickly sweet for my personal preference, but it will most certainly get you fucked up. Remy, if you haven't already tried this, then I'll spring for a couple.

Anyway, truth be told, the list of things that I WOULDN'T do, despite being offered beer is far longer than the list of things I would do.

I guess it really boils down to a few things:

a.) how much I like you
b.) what you are requesting of me
c.) your persistence

If I don't like you, then forget it. Nothing you can say/offer will change my mind.

An ass-douche wants to hang out with me

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If I do like you, and your request doesn't involve me doing something that I would consider to be "too stressful" (varies with mood), then beer just may be the proper motivator.

A trusted friend wants to bask in my presence

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Most importantly, I wouldn't do anything for beer than I wouldn't do without beer. For example, I could watch horror movies on my own, but I won't. But if I like you and you ask me to watch a scary movie with you...then I'll do it...for a case of beer. The secret is, if you asked me enough times...without annoying me...I'd do it for free.

Beer just expedites the process.

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