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Wednesday, March 01, 2006


"I'd rather use the unlimited power of my imagination...cause I ain't got no damn money." - Meatwad
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After a brief hiatus due in part to fatigue (read: laziness) I present you with a list of "50 Things Endorsed by the Mulatto Revolution".

I know, in the past (and probably in the future) I've been (I'll be) somewhat negative about things that will be abolished when The Revolution gets here.

That's not exactly the impression that I want to make. I'm a positive, glass-half-full kind of person and I want to prove it, by showing that there are some products and people with which The Revolution has no qualms...items that fall within our protective wingage (so to speak).

50. Four-color pens - You want 3 words to sum up The Revolution? Here they are...four-color, blue, red and green all together and at your disposal in one handy writing utensil.

49. Skype - Yes, another shameless plug...but goddamn, c''s about talking to people far away...for free...

48. Lip Balm - The Revolution is against chapped lips.

47. Strawberry Fanta - This drink is fuckin delicious, which is why The Revolution fully supports it. Strawberry Fanta is something that we (in The Revolution) don't get the chance to have often, but it's better that way. It's like you go some place and they've got Strawberry Fanta on tap and you're like, "Oh snap, I forgot how good this shit is!"

46. "Goldie" from Flavor of Love - Flava Flav! Why do they keep putting that crackhead on TV? I'm not one to endorse reality shows, but they had this one down-ass country chick on there that Flav named Goldie. She wasn't psycho, she didn't cause any drama and she made it to the final four. She was just plain cool and The Revolution can use people like that on board. Plus, if you lose on a show where the love of Flava Flav is the prize, doesn't that make you a winner in the long run?

45. Dad's Chilli Recipe - There's almost nothing better than coming home after a long day at work only to find a big pot of chilli simmering on the stove. The Revolution had some for breakfast, lunch and dinner yesterday.

44. Spaghetti Deluxe - Technically Spaghetti Deluxe is like equally as good as Dad's Chilli Recipe. The Revolution's Army will be grubbin good. So glorious

43. Oven mits - Ever try pulling a hot pan out of the oven with your bare hands? The Revolution has...and it's not fun.

42. The Maury Povich Show Paternity Test - " are NOT the father!" *whew*

41. Ceiling Fans - A cure for overheating, a cure for boredom...the only thing that can cure more ills is tussin (see #22)

40. Eyewear - The Revolution acknowledges that sometimes people have vision problems and that some people choose to solve these problems with contact lenses and the like. However, The Revolution firmly believes that people look mad intelligent when they're wearing glasses...and The Revolution finds that way fuckin sexy.

39. Glad Press & Seal Wrap - The Revolution used to keep a bunch of plastic bowls around for leftovers (e.g. Cool Whip containers) but somehow we eventually lost most of the lids. Yeah, that's exactly why The Revolution loves this stuff...

38. Airplane bathrooms - Appreciating the under-appreciated....that is the way of The Revolution

37. A Box of Wine - "...wer Wein aus dem Tetrapak trinkt, der frisst auch kleine Kinder!!!!!" Mmmm lecker (ich meine die Kinder, nicht der Wein)

36. The Trinidad & Tobago Bobsleigh Federation - 'Cause Tobago and Toboggans are a match made in heaven

35. Wrecking Balls - What better way to release the stress and tension resulting from a hard day's work? Not only is it just plain fun to say - wreckin' bawwwllls - but using one produces the same satisfying feelings as tossing back a six-pack without the liver or brain-cell damage (granted, of course, the wrecking ball doesn't make contact with your head and/or liver). Revolution smash!!!!

34. Ginger Kids - From Josh R. in elementary school to Conan O'Brien, The Revolution has always had a weakness for the redheads (see #20)

33. Rubber cement - Cause The Revolution cain't catch a buzz from sniffing double-sided tape.

32. Sconces - A touch of class for yo ass...nah just's just a very fun word to say

31. Keyless Entry Pads - Excuse me if I take a moment out to put something that is more for me personally than for The Revolution. But seriously, when The Revolution gets here, every car is gonna have one of these.

30. Catfish noodling - Ever seent a catfish latched around a grown man's fist? Me neither (in real life anyway), but damn them rednecks is crazy...and fried catfish is delicious

29. Pasties - They're like little tiaras for your boobies, designed to make one feel like a princess. The Revolution doesn't really understand what that's supposed to mean, but it sounds about right.

28. Scrolling LED Belt Buckles

27. Flintsones Chewable Vitamins - Multivitamin...or Gateway Drug for The Revolution? C'mon now, "10 million strong and growing"? You be the judge...

26. Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits - Mulattos and fried chicken are quite fond of one another.

25. Shot glasses - You pull out one of these, you know you're fixin to get tore up! Weeee! The Revolution also likes it when you put a drink in a shot glass, then use one of those teeny straws to drink the liquid. Did I just have a growth spurt or am I drunk? Everything looks so small...

24. Giant novelty martini/margarita glasses - Again, if someone serves you alcohol in one of these...forget about it. The Revolution likes these oversized beverage containers for the same reason that The Revolution likes tallboy cans of beer...they make our hands look petite (great for those days when you don't want to play giant).

23. Chicken on a stick - Just to annoy Kelley.

22. Tussin - There's not much that this stuff can't cure and if you've tasted it as much as The Revolution has...then maybe you're thinking what we're thinking: alternative fuel source. Out of fuel? Put some water in the tank...shake it up! More tussin!

21. Defibrillators - April 1st will be known as International Defibrillator Day and everyone will get the chance to grab them paddles, yell, "Clear!" ...and shock the shit out of someone

20. Cupcakes - Not so much the baked good as the person, especially after reading this. The Revolution will endorse Cupcake as long as she keeps using the word "brotha" as many times as possible.

19. Grappling Hooks - If they're good enough for Batman, they're good enough for The Revolution.

18. Freeze-Dried Strawberries - When you start to think that maybe, just maybe, freeze-dried fruit compliments breakfast cereal better than teeny marshmallows...that's kinda like a sign of maturity, right?

17. Alcolado & aloe vera - The tussin of the West Indies. Much needed, because when we start powering our hovercrafts with tussin, we'll need medicine.

16. Febreze - Man, what did The Revolution do before this stuff was invented? Oh yeah...laundry...

15. Thompson's Teeth - The only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.

14. Beef - 1.) in the meat form - it's delicious 2.) in the non-meat form - it's highly entertaining. It's a win-win situation, baby...

13. Scratch Magazine - Until something finer comes along, this is officially The Revolution's favorite hip-hop magazine.

12. Moving sidewalks - This luxury shouldn't be limited to just airports, but it'll have to do until scientist develop that sweet, sweet tube technology.

11. Taco Bell - The Revolution thinks that Taco Bell and Mulattos share an important thing in common: just because some people may consider something unauthentic...doesn't mean it's not the fuckin' bomb...especially at 12am after killing a 12-pack of [insert favorite beer here]

10. Asian People - The chosen people of The know, after mulattos, of course.

9. This ol' thang - **drool**

8. Do-rags - It's a Revolution trademark. Bandanas, head scarves, wraps...whatever you want to call 'em.

7. Coffee Beans - Dude, coffee...

6. Care-Free Curl Gold - It keeps The Revolution's curls lookin muthafuckin tizzight.

5. Beer - "It's raining beer!"

4. Mamas - Even The Revolution has a soft side...respect

3. Analog - Mp3 players, digital cameras, and electronic schedulers are all fine and good, but there's a special place in The Revolution's heart for cassette tapes and vinyl and regular-ass cameras and paper.

2. Döner Kebap - I'm long overdue for one of these babies...

1. Mulattos - Duh

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