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Schmidt Almighty




It's a fact: Pirates are hot and they got the best booty.
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About every hour, on the hour, André asks, "Hey, Brooks, when are we gonna be pirates?" Actually, he screams (in manner of Lil' Jon), "WHAT?!" and then, "NEIN!" and then he asks the pirate question. Why does he do this, you ask?

Well, because he spends most of his day looking at shit like this:




Note: If you are a nerd that understands what in the holy hell this crap is, then please (PLEASE) refrain from nerding up my blog with your nerdocity or else you will be spanked with moon rocks.
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Obviously, this is going only going to lead a man to do one of two things:

A: Drink heavily
B: Long to trade in his big-ass workbook about aeroelasticity for an eye patch, wooden leg, and a parrot.

And of course...booty galore.

My answer to the pirate question is always, "The day after tomorrow, dude." Which usually shuts his cry hole for about 60 minutes...then we start again from the top.

The other day he actually took a break from studying (gasp!) and he was throwing out some suggestions of possible topics that I could write about.

So, for pretty much only André's amusement

(cause we all know a little Abwechslung can go a long way)

I present:

The Top 10 Reasons Why All Of Your Houseplants Are Growing Mold

10. I, um, calculated the geometry of your plants' leaves using Pan Air and found that they are not aerodynamic...enough. The stems are creating too much overall drag so that air isn't being distributed properly to the...nevermind...just optimize that shit already.

9. Because you lost that hat I gave you and, like everything else in your room, the plants will always take my side.

8. Like people, plants cannot survive on beer alone. They need coffee, too. And -- it goes without saying -- döner.

7. Have you ever invited them to go climbing with you? You've asked just about everyone else. They could just be feeling left out and maybe they want to see S.A.M III without his shirt on.

6. Because you forgot to say the magic words three times fast: "Exchange student, exchange student, exchange student"

5. Did you ever stop to think that it's not mold? Maybe your plants are sluts...and just maybe they caught some kind of plant-herpes.

4. Two words: Freestyle jazz. Plants hate hip-hop. Seriously. Want proof? Just step out on to Alex's balcony. Whaddya got to say now, biotch?!

3. Oh the irony: your plants are slowly but surely transforming into mushrooms. Because God knows how much you l-o-v-e, love mushrooms and he just wants you to be happy *wink wink* (see #2)

2. Because you want to leave the church and that makes Baby Jesus cry. Everyone knows that Baby Jesus' tears are the source of all mold everywhere

1. Your plants are monosocialistic...and do not give a fuck about what you think.

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