Sure it's a day late, but screw you, my watch is set to Colored People Time

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This afternoon, I was purusing the Spiegel Online's Germany Survival Bible, which is good for a laugh...if you're still into the Seinfeld-ian "What is up with that?!"-Type humor.

The only article that I found the least bit enlightening was the one about Gesellen (travelling craftsmen). Because, for real, I did actually think that they were funny looking hobos. However, the reading of the article came a smidge too late, as Tiger finally explained to me a couple of days ago who these guys actually were and what they did. Heretofore, whenever I asked I only got the reply, "Like, duh...they're the Gesellen." And because I didn't want to reveal that I didn't know what that was, I would just go, "Ohhhhh...the Gesellen. Riiiight, gotcha."

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Some of the articles have to be read with a grain of salt. Others require a truckload.

My favorite was a piece written by a German called "How Not to Die on German Roads". Many of the tips ended with the phrase "you'll get a ticket...or you'll die!" (emphasis mine). It reminded me of a game Trini Mutti told me about where you add the phrase "of death" to the end of anything you say (e.g. "Today I went to the grocery store (of death).")

My least favorite pieces were the two that I found about dating in Germany. It's kinda obvious the authors are going for humor, but the result ends up looking more like "I'm a bitter old hag" (too harsh perhaps?)

First there's the "Common types of German men" article, which is just plain mean in some cases.

German men may seem almost perfect. But there's always something that just ain't quite right.

Maybe it's because I've got a lot of German guy friends... but it just hit the wrong note with me.

The other is called "Scoring a German" and is equally asinine, in my opinion.

While a New Yorker might gaze seductively at you across a dance floor -- or even say "Yo baby! You are fine!" -- a German guy will often merely stare expressionlessly, making you feel like you've reverted to the Funky Chicken or have a booger on your cheek.

First of all, no one says, "Yo baby, you are fine" anymore, unless they're skeevy old dudes stuck in a 1989 time warp. Second of all...I suppose that's what you get for trying to hit on Dieter from Sprockets

German guys are like guys everywhere else (except they speak German?). Some are douchebags and some are assholes...some are really nice.

I'm not one to dispense any kind of dating advice, but for the most part some kind of combination of Cooked Meat and Alcohol will get the attention of most males (German or not).

Unless, of course, they're vegetarian teetotalers...

and in that case, you're on your own, my friend.

Happy Belated V-Day to you all.