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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Taking It Back to Ye Olde Schoole

I'm no hip-hop concert newbie, that's for sure. I've stood right in the middle of the melee, jumped around and screamed my head off. I've attempted to help hold up a crowd-surfing rapper or two (though I'm really too short to be of any real assistance). I saw a woman pull out her weave -- chunk by chunk -- and throw it, screaming, right at the stage, before pulling out and smoking from what was probably a crack pipe.

I watched Busta Rhymes pass the courvoisier through the audience, whilst singing "Pass the Courvoisier" to the audience. And, as if that weren't generous (not to mention unhygenic) enough, he then passed around a communal blunt.

No, I haven't seen every rapper's show, but I've seen enough to know that last night's Kurtis Blow concert was by far the most surreal hip-hop show that I have ever been to in my life.

(Click Below for More)

Molotow Club was the setting for the show. I hadn't been there in a long-ass time, not since the guys from Trainingslager Records (R.I.P) used to hold their bi-monthly events there. It's a pretty small club, so when FeeBee and I found out from the forums on Hamburg that about 180 tickets had been sold in advance, we were fairly confident that we could snag a few extra bucks for our 2 additional guest list spots. Eventually we did.

It was bizarre standing outside of the venue and looking for people who looked like they wanted to go to the show proved to be incredibly difficult. Our "hip-hopper radar" was thrown totally off, due to the overwhelming amount of "old people" and "yuppies". There was nary a New Era cap to be spotted. Well, ok there were a few...

Anyhow, so we got inside, the DJ was spinning, but no one was dancing, save for a woman in her late 30's/early 40's and clearly bombed out of her skull. At that moment, I wished so bad that I had a cell phone that could take pictures and shoot video... it was so funny. After about 20 mintues, she was spent and just plopped herself down on the stage and hugged one of the sound monitors. Ironically, it was just as De la Soul's "All Good" came on. About halfway through the song, the woman let go of the monitor and decided to take a nap right on the stage.

The concert itself was full of so many middle-aged German women. Normally, the only middle-aged German women that I see at hip-hop concerts are mothers accompanying their children...and the moms are usually standing way in the back, looking totally disinterested.

This was definitely not the case last night.

Granted, Kurtis Blow (one of the Godfathers of Hip-Hop), is pushing 50-years-old. But damn! Some of them old bitches was crazy!

I swear to God, I stood next to one of them who kept trying to grab the mic away from the Old School MC...and when that didn't work, repeatedly attempted to grab his crotch...

and I shit you not, at one point she screamed,

"Shake vat your mossa gafe you!"

As for the performance itself. Good fun. I'm not gonna hate on an Old School legend.
The dude had mad energy and any near-50-year-old who can manage to still do a freeze gets a lot of respect in my book.

Though to be honest, I felt slightly uncomfortable when he took his shirt off...

I actually only had two problems the entire evening that I will briefly address at this time:

1.) Tall Blond Dude Standing in Front of Me for the First Thirty Minutes of the Concert.

Dear Giant Assdouche,

there's an old saying that goes, "You make a better door than a window." And it's so true. I fucking hate you. Had I some sort of weapon (other than chapstick, which is not really a weapon at all, I suppose) I would have shanked you in the neck. You should thank your girlfriend for making you move a bit to the side. I know i'm short, but I'm not invisible. Also, you've got 16 hairy moles on the back of your neck. You should have a doctor check that shit out, yo.


2.) Schmuf Hamburg

Dear Schmuf Hamburg,

you guys aren't half bad, but you're not great either. Sorry, but I'm just not feeling y'all so much. Not the beats, not the raps, and definitely not that weird blond chick that you called your "dancer". If you're gonna have a backup dancer, you sure as hell better commit to it. You can't just have some chick run on stage at random intervals, shake for 20 seconds and then run back off. It looked like the poor girl was having a damn seizure on stage. It was all very "unappetitlich" as you Germans might say. And as such, I chose to not wave my hands in the air, as I very much cared.

Look, you're music is just not for me. I wish that I could say otherwise, but I can't I think Schmuf Hamburg is an awesome name. It's like shmoove, but all Germanized and shit. That's awesome. Plus, you got that dude named Schmiddlfinga. Admittedly, I'm very jealous. I wish I came up with it as a new nickname for André. Alas, you beat me to it.

I like how you guys rep Hamburg hardcore -- especially given the fact that you're not from Hamburg -- but I'm not so much feeling your anthem. There are 4 basic elements needed for a good crew anthem:

1.) Stop
2.) Drop
3.) Shut 'em down
4.) Open up shop

You demonstrated none of these things.

I think you're a bunch of nice kids...really. I just think we should both just see other people.



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