Thanks a lot, dipshits...

Finding some free time to write has become a challenge these days and I feel like this has been the longest stretch of time somewhat fairly sporadic updates. I hate apologizing with every post; at the same time, I also hate leaving you all update-less.

So, instead of apologizing, I’d just like to take this time to remind you that my dad recently died... if you’re looking for someone to blame. Blame him. Might I mention that if you do this then you’re a giant asshole and I hope you get stabbed...

Speaking of getting stabbed. Man, peoples is wilin’ out here in Hamburg! According to the newspapers (which I don’t actually buy and read myself, I just kinda skim from other people’s papers on the train), folks are getting stabbed left and right. I heard that there are some statistics hiding out in an abandoned Schrebergarten in Kiwittsmoor – and they say that 10 out of every 10 households in Hamburg owns at least one knife. And these knives are coming to cut you.

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If you were to believe the MOPO, roving gangs of brown-skinned youth wielding kitchen cutlery are lurking around every corner, waiting to shank you for no reason (except for their hate of all things German?). So a big thing in the news (from what I’ve gathered) is that the government is gunning (haha...*sigh*) to get a ban on knives.

Which is all well and good, I suppose. I mean, I don’t want to get stabbed. And I’m sure if I were to take a poll that most of my friends would agree that they do not want to be stabbed either.

But now „the Man“ is starting to cut into my fun time. Granted, he’s been cutting to my fun time forever...so it’s not so much of a surprise. It seems as though he’s realized that lots of things can cut you, like say for instance the business end of a broken beer bottle...

So apparently the new logic goes:

Full bottle of beer is consumed -> empty glass transforms into sharp cutting object -> people stabbed

To combat this problem, they want to ban the sale of alcohol in glass bottles (except for in the bars/clubs) and no longer allow the sale of alcohol after 11pm.

All of which will officially make the Hamburg red-light district the lamest red-light district in the entire universe. I mean, it was borderline before – but forget about it now. You might as well just call up your grandma and make an appointment go dildo shopping with her right now, because that’s the kind of red-light district we’re gonna have now... dildos and afghan blankets. And it’ll probably smell like moth balls, I suppose...

Ich sag’s euch: Laaaaaaaame.

That said, I kinda wanted a reason to not have to go to the Reeperbahn anymore. It was just always so hard to resist, since distance made it so convenient. But it really dawned on me this weekend how much I can’t stand the assdouches that hangout there.

The Boy and I went to go visit our fave kiosk (Reeperbahn S-Bahn station, Talstrasse Exit). It’s run by a dude named Carol who not only sells affordably priced beer, but also swords, knives and what looks to be like erotic lesbian vampire figurines. Anyway, we stopped by to bring him a piece of The Boy’s leftover birthday cake (in return for the bottle of Sekt that he shared with us).

He informed us that his friendly little kiosk would be closing at the end of the month, much to our dismay. It was combination of slow business – ironically, amidst all the talk of rampant stabbing, no one seems interested in buying knives or swords or glass beer bottles at low low prices from this man – and this new alcohol restriction bullshit. The Boy and I hung out there for the better part of the evening, while Carol doled out free advice and a couple of those tiny bottles of Jägermeister.

It was while looking out at the passerbys -- some dudes shoving people out of their way, a dude pissing right in front of the cops, the cops who ignored a dude whose electric wheelchair was broken in order to tell a drunk homeless guy that he couldn’t sleep on the sidewalk – that that I realized – no, I really don’t want to hang out on the Reeperbahn anymore. I mean, I’m not all too keen on hanging out in the yuppie-ass Schanze district either, but it’s time to find some new stomping grounds.

However, the question remains: where are all the rest of the Reeperbahn asshats going to go?

Yeah...(see title of post)