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Friday, February 15, 2008

In your face, Snowman!!!

Workwise, today sucked balls. In fact, just about this whole week sucked balls at work. I'm not trippin though, because sometimes work just sucks and you can't do nothin about it.

Still, it's tough on those days where work is pretty much unbearable and you come home thinking, "Dang man, I need to hit up"

Making things even worse, today is not only Friday (a day when I actually get to go home while there's still daylight), but also one of the rare beautiful Hamburg weather days. I didn't want to come home all salty and shit -- but that's what the fates seemed to have in store for me.

So, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. The way I see it... if you're feeling like a loser, the only way to turn these proverbial lemons into lemonade is to make yourself the winner of something. As luck would have it, I happened to be in the midst of a photo scavenger hunt contest with The Boy. Originally, we didn't intend for this to go on for so long, but with our schedules we just haven't been able to get our shit together. That is, until now.

I'm declaring myself the winner of the first photo scavenger hunt battle.

(Click Below for More)

You see, about a month ago we sent each other a list of things to photograph. Technically, who ever finishes the list first is the winner -- but since it's been going on for so long and I'm really only short one photo -- I'm going to (in the grand old American tradition) pre-emptively declare myself the victor.

My prize? I get to make him do whatever I want. First up? He owes me a homemade pizza with extra cheese and a backrub. The rest I will make up as I go along.

That said, The Boy can still claim the winner title. All he's gotta do is complete his list in full... and I figure that might take awhile.

Anyway, I don't want to claim victory without proof, so here it is along with some explanations to the list...because I realized some of these pictures might not make sense.

So here they is...

1. A dumpster with a hook on it:


This was probably the easiest one of all, since I had a pretty good idea of what The Boy meant. When Schmidt and I first moved into our apartment, I discovered that every Friday morning at the ass-crack of dawn, there were very loud garbage emptying noises coming from outside. I would just place my pillow over my head and resume sleeping. It wasn’t until by chance that I actually looked outside one morning to see why the hell it was so loud. Basically, they just lift the dumpster up, open it at the bottom and shake the shit out of it. Really, I should have figured out that this is pretty much the only way of emptying a container of this sort. After awhile, I didn’t hear it anymore. It turns out they switched up the days and times, so The Boy was able to hear it whenever he stayed over Tuesday nights and after I left for work in the morning.

2.) A line of vases, or something that sounds like it.


This clue didn’t really make sense to me in German (eine Linie von Vasen oder etwas was danach klingt), because "Linie" means like a drawn line and not like „lined up in a row“. So, thinking kind of circularly, I figured that maybe he was talking about Vaseline. This raises three questions: 1.) if he was thinking about Vaseline...why? and 2.) Why was Vaseline the first thing that I thought that he would think of? 3.) Do we really want to know the answer to these questions?

3.) An obscene mother


This one was tough. And once again required some creative thinking. Maternus = maternal; Beer in plastic bottles = obscene.

4.) A rich bum.


I think it’s safe to say that most politicians are kinda bummy. And if you have enough money to plaster your picture on the side of a tall building, then you’re probably not broke.

5.) Two extraordinary examples of cultural imperialism.



This one was even more difficult. I done tried my best though.

6.) A place where it is not only possible, but also worth it to rob people.


This one, along with number #9 were by far the hardest tasks of all. It’s possible to rob people in a lot of places. The first place that came to mind was the Commerzbank ATM on the Reeperbahn. That shit is situated right on the street between two strip clubs and every time I use it, I think „Shit, I’m totally gonna get robbed right here.“ But it’s not probably the wisest place to jack somebody given the sheer volume of traffic.

Secondly, how do you determine when it’s worth robbing someone? I feel like I would be the kind of thief that steals what I need instead of stealing stuff to sell it to someone else later. And just what are we talking about taking? So many questions.

So, I made it about me. If I were going to rob someone, it’d have to be pretty low on the physical activity scale – meaning, someone that I could easily overpower, as it is quite unlikely that I could outrun... well... anyone. There you go. I’ve pretty much excluded just about everyone except small children and the elderly. Most small children do not have many (or any) financial assets, over which they personally have control. So, I guess unless you need a bike or some candy it’s probably not worth it to rob little kids. On the other hand, old people can be kind of weak, I guess. And annoying. But mostly, easily scam-able. If you play your cards right, you won’t even have to use violence. At the very least, you can steal their medication -- best case scenario: they'll add you into their will.

So, for me...a good place to rob people would be the St. Markus Senior Center.

7.) Someone walking into a trap

I have no picture for this. I contemplated setting a trap for Schmidt at our front door and waiting for him to walk into it...but that is much more work than I want to do. However, I will keep looking.

Here's a guy walking into the Lidl in the Altona train station. If that's not a trap...then I don't know what is...

8.) The biggest Franzbrötchen


Franzbrötchen are tasty pastries available pretty much only in northern Germany. They’re kinda close in taste to cinnamon rolls, but without the sugary glaze. Before I discovered them, I was hardcore rockin the chocolate croissants at bakeries, but now it’s the Franzbrötchen that I prefer above just about anything else. Tschibo sells really gigantic ones, but they’re kind of bland and relatively pricey. If you want one that’s about the same size (and just as bland) but would rather save about 30 cents, then I suggest a discount bakery like Brot and Brötchen. But if you prefer taste over size, then I highly recommend Hansebäcker Junge or the Streuselfranzbrötchen at Dat Backhus. The best Franzbrötchen that I’ve ever had was from Die Herren Simpel in the Schanze, which had marzipan in it. Yummers.

9.) 10 tags by the same person on different photos or 5 tags from one person on one photo.


Not easy. As I didn’t want to take 10 different photos, I opted to try to get 5 graffiti tags by the same person in one picture. A writer might tag five different houses in a row. Good luck taking a picture where all five tags can be seen. Not every single one of the tags is visible here, but I hope you get the idea. Each of these 5 posts has been tagged by the same writer, "Rost".

10.) A black hole


This photo is kinda of metaphorical. The metaphor? Vaginas are unescapable and black hole-like.

Yea for me! I win.

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