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Sunday, December 29, 2013

The Saga of Schmiddy's Beard Pt 1

(Source: Doghouse Diaries)

A lot of important things happened on the planet this year. However, much like this is not a cooking blog, this is also not a blog in which I rehash world events. 

I want to take this time to come to terms with a new and fascinating discovery in my life: Schmiddy's beard. 

Yes, yes...I know what you're thinking, "Schmiddy has a beard?!" I know, right? He has a full beard now. Also, hair on his head! Like you, I'm also absolutely astonished that international media declined to make even the smallest report about this. I had to find out all on my own. 

It's a wild story, so I suppose I should start at the very beginning...

Long ago, an ancient tree stood alone at the top of a Himalayan mountain peak. Nestled in the crown of this mysterious tree was a nest containing one massive egg. It was an egg not of this world and it remained untouched and unnoticed for many years. Its location shrouded by the unpredictable Himalayan climate. 

Eventually, the egg began to tremble and shake. A hollow knocking from within grew louder and louder with each passing season. The contents shook and rumbled about for nearly two millennia until one day, in 1979, a crack appeared in the surface. The lone crack soon splintered into more, until finally a opening appeared. Eventually, Schmiddy emerged from the egg -- fully grown and fully clothed. Most amazing of all, he was wearing a brand new pair of Timberland boots.

"How is that all even possible?!" you may be asking and to that I can only say, "Shut up...this is the fucking truth!"

After Schmiddy hatched from his egg (and aside from the Timberland boots), he did not resemble the Schmiddy that we know today. For one thing, he had a mop of blond dreadlocks on his head. Needless to say, it wasn't his best look, but he lacked a mirror inside of the egg, so everyone cut him a break. 

The journey was long, but he managed to venture down the mountain and traversed the Earth until he found a place to call home in the Ruhr Valley area of Alemannia. He looked rather young, yet his soul was as old as the universe itself. Maybe even older than that. Definitely...definitely older than that.

Although he found the people of this strange world annoying, he managed to acclimate and make wonderful life for himself. He was even able to travel to a magical and far off land known only as Anderson. Upon his return, he decided that he needed to go further. He needed to reach the stars.

Only one thing was missing: The One True Beard.

... to be continued ...

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