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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Trust issues

I've kept my lips sealed long enough.

But it's time for the truth.

A few months ago, I made the mistake of coming out as bunnyphobic on Facebook. At the time, I didn't really realize that I was bunnyphobic. Or that there was even such a thing. And, ok, I totally made up the term. It's just that there were (and are) a lot of bunnies in my building's courtyard and I wrote about how creepy I thought it was.

If anything, I'm any-kind-of-animal-in-very-large-numbers-phobic.

Ladybugs are a good example. One ladybug chilling out is alright, but then you have those weird days when there are hundreds ladybugs hanging out in a pile in the corner of your window. That's not biblical plague-level shit, but it kinda feels like it and it makes my insides twist up. It's a moving mound and it's kinda stank (Because ladybug pee... or whatever those secretions are? I'm not a ladybug science person.)

Another example would be puppies. I see a puppy and think, "Oh, how cute." And I know what I'm about to write is damn-near sacrilegious -- because there are a lot people in my social circle who would openly weep to read this -- but a puppy pile is my idea of a BAD TIME. Just replace ladybug pee with puppy pee and you get the idea.

I don't want to be under a pile of anything -- unless it's a pile that consists of Ryan Gosling... and two exact clones of Ryan Gosling. But even with that exception, I still don't want to be at the bottom of a pile of 20 Ryan Goslings. That's just ridiculous.

That said, to re-phrase a well-known LOTR meme, "One cannot simply be against bunnies."

Fine. That's understandable. They basically spend their days looking like this:

(Source: - ironic URL?)

And in today's puppy pile world, 30 of the aforepictured creatures would be a dream come true for many people (again, people who are also close personal friends that I absolutely adore *muah*).

Can't talk about there being too many bunnies in the courtyard, though, because then I sound like I'm the crazy person.

There used to be only like 4 when I first moved in. Happy, hoppy, and (most importantly) in reasonable numbers. There are now much more than four, though I can only seem to get 15 or 16 in one picture at a time. The explosion was swift and likely in conjunction with the roofing work and general trash and construction currently in the courtyard.

But, for the most part, the asshats who insist on throwing out food into the courtyard to feed the rabbits are probably most responsible. And here's typically the part where I start to sound unreasonable. Wild rabbits don't need extra food. Nature (and their own poop) is their food. (Fun fact: I learned about this while researching rabbits for a series quest chains that I wrote for a farm game that I work on. Yay!)

Carrots and other produce seem well-meaning, but that's not the type of stuff that rabbits should be eating. And neither is bread... or cheese puffs.

Yeah, I seent ya, neighborino. I can tell the difference between a cheese puff and a carrot.

They were probably enchanted by the idea of having a semi-petting zoo in their backyard., which just brings us right back to the overwhelming cuteness of these animals. Having observed them over the past few months, I feel like I'm closer to rabbit culture in a way. This is not necessarily knowledge that I wanted to have, but it's knowledge I have now. This is the reality in which I'm living.

If my courtyard were overrun with Korean dick fish or goblin sharks... people would be like, "Oh, hell no... that is indeed horrible, my friend."

Sure, it's a bit of an over-exaggeration, because penis fish and goblin sharks look absolutely fucking terrifying. At the same time, if I were to tell you that one of my neighbors lived in their apartment with 30 wild rabbits, because she loved living in her own semi-petting zoo... you'd be like, "Ew, gross!" Because that apartment would be filled with rabbit feces... double-poop style, like how rabbits do it.

This week marks a turning point in the whole situation. I think. Maybe. Someone (or enough people) finally complained to building management. Probably because a cat killed a few and suddenly the sight and stench of rabbit carcass weren't so cute. Every resident in the house received a written reminder to not throw food scraps in to the courtyard.

After months of being coddled, the rabbits' Pavlovian conditioning is being tested. Upon hearing the sound of a balcony door opening, they gather in the spot where the food used to be thrown out, but no food comes.

And still, even with the feeding ban, the very large rabbit population wasn't even mentioned in the letter. But I guaran-damn-tee you that everyone was thinking about rabbits when they looked at this paper:

"Following recent incidents, we would like to ask you to not feed animals in the courtyard, because it attracts rats."

Oh, snap! In yo face, rats!

Those rabbits are all like

I haven't spent huge amounts of time in the courtyard since the rabbit gang started controlling the territory, but it looks like they even managed to pin the whole ordeal on a completely different species. It's pretty slick, if you think about it.

...and that's why I don't and never will trust rabbits.

1 comment:

The Beech said...

Welcome back to the world of the blogging! I need to watch more DC, in sorta related news. Fuck rabbits!