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The following post brought to you by Toby's four green tomatoes, Raven's insomnia and the letter 'M' (for 'Mmmmm, tomatoes')

Lately I've been having very disturbing dreams. That is, on the nights that I've been able to fall asleep. Anyway, sleep just wasn't happening for me last night (this morning?) So, I decided to quit trying and get online.

So yeah...insomnia...web-surfing...Toby...right.

Ok, so I was reading Toby's LiveJournal (you don't have to click that link really, because his journal is for friends only and it's in German). I found out that not only did he just finish reading the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (btw, I really hate that book, but I blame my high school Theory of Knowledge teacher, Dr. Warner, for that), but he also has four green tomatoes that he does not know how to put to use.

In case you didn't know...tomatoes are a lot different from crutches. Hence the old saying, "Quit comparing tomatoes with pimps on crutches, Buche."

That said, Toby, feel free to use any one of the following ideas.


But wait, first things first. Juggling is lame...unless there is fire involved, I suppose. No...wait...it's just plain lame. Go ahead and juggle the tomatoes if you want, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Maybe a hat will distract people from my lameness...

Now that we've cleared that up, let's get started.


1.) Play hackey sack tomato(?)

We so rock.

Unlike juggling, everyone knows that hackey sack is only played by the coolest of the cool. And dirty hippies. Either way, it spells F-U-N. Plus, it's widely known that tomatoes are biodegradable, so if one of the dirty hippies breaks the hackey circle to go smoke a bowl...it's all good. You can leave behind a nice treat for the lil animals and still have three other tomatoes to use when he/she returns.


2.) Fight Crime

The Spinning Tomatoes of Justice

Green tomatoes can be pretty hard. Attach one to the end of a rope and swing it around to take out the bad guys. You could keep a few extra tomatoes on your utility belt for general throwing purposes. I'll even throw in a spiffy catchphrase that you can use after you've defeated the bad guy(s): "How do you like them tomaters?"


3.) Chesticle / Package "Enhancements"

Cheaper than plastic surgery

You can donate your tomatoes to "science" and make at least 2 girls (or guys) feel like real women (or men) again. Well, at least until the tomatoes start to go bad, which might mean you've actually ruined two people's lives (rotten tomatoes smell really gross). To avoid a guilty conscience, you may have to buy them new sweater/crotch-tomatoes for the rest of their natural lives.

Thank goodness for Aldi!


4.) Throw them into a moving ceiling fan to see what happens

Awwww, yeah.

My brother Remington and I have a surefire equation for good times. It goes like this:

Ceiling Fan + Random Objects + One Good Toss = Hours O' Fun

Maybe the tomatoes will splatter, maybe someone will get knocked the fuck out...you'll never know until you try it. I do suggest that you play this game in a room that you wouldn't mind messing up (so, basically no where in your apartment...I mean, that is, even if you had a ceiling fan).

This game is so much fun, that you probably won't stop with the tomatoes. You'll wanna throw all sorts of junk into the fan to see what happens.

Maybe even a crutch or two.